


A Very Gay Twelfth Night

by cadencaisuperspy



Category: Twelfth Night - Shakespeare
Genre: F/F, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-29
Updated: 2016-07-28
Packaged: 2018-05-03 23:03:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 21,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5310476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadencaisuperspy/pseuds/cadencaisuperspy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Twelfth Night as you always wanted it...with Olivia and Viola ending up together and Sebastian and Antonio declaring their love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Act I Scene I

**Author's Note:**

> It's the 21st century; Shakespeare shouldn't be even nominally heteronormative. I fixed it.
> 
> As always, this is not my work. This is almost completely Shakespeare's words; I changed very little. Enjoy!

###  ACT I SCENE I. DUKE ORSINO's palace.

_Enter DUKE ORSINO, CURIO, and other Lords; Musicians attending_

DUKE ORSINO

If music be the food of love, play on;   
Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting,   
The appetite may sicken, and so die.   
That strain again! it had a dying fall:   
O, it came o'er my ear like the sweet sound,   
That breathes upon a bank of violets,   
Stealing and giving odour! Enough; no more:   
'Tis not so sweet now as it was before.   
O spirit of love! how quick and fresh art thou,   
That, notwithstanding thy capacity   
Receiveth as the sea, nought enters there,   
Of what validity and pitch soe'er,   
But falls into abatement and low price,   
Even in a minute: so full of shapes is fancy   
That it alone is high fantastical.

CURIO   
Will you go hunt, my lord?

DUKE ORSINO   
What, Curio?

CURIO   
The hart.

DUKE ORSINO   
Why, so I do, the noblest that I have:   
O, when mine eyes did see Olivia first,   
Methought she purged the air of pestilence!   
That instant was I turn'd into a hart;   
And my desires, like fell and cruel hounds,   
E'er since pursue me.   
_Enter VALENTINE_   
How now! what news from her?

VALENTINE   
So please my lord, I might not be admitted;   
But from her handmaid do return this answer:   
The element itself, till seven years' heat,   
Shall not behold her face at ample view;   
But, like a cloistress, she will veiled walk   
And water once a day her chamber round   
With eye-offending brine: all this to season   
A brother's dead love, which she would keep fresh   
And lasting in her sad remembrance.

DUKE ORSINO   
O, she that hath a heart of that fine frame   
To pay this debt of love but to a brother,   
How will she love, when the rich golden shaft   
Hath kill'd the flock of all affections else   
That live in her; when liver, brain and heart,   
These sovereign thrones, are all supplied, and fill'd   
Her sweet perfections with one self king!   
Away before me to sweet beds of flowers:   
Love-thoughts lie rich when canopied with bowers.

 

_Exeunt_


	2. Act I Scene II

###  **ACT I SCENE II. The sea-coast.**

_Enter VIOLA, a Captain, and Sailors_

VIOLA  
What country, friends, is this?

Captain  
This is Illyria, lady.

VIOLA  
And what should I do in Illyria?  
My brother he is in Elysium.  
Perchance he is not drown'd: what think you, sailors?

Captain  
It is perchance that you yourself were saved.

VIOLA  
O my poor brother! and so perchance may he be.

Captain  
True, madam: and, to comfort you with chance,  
Assure yourself, after our ship did split,  
When you and those poor number saved with you  
Hung on our driving boat, I saw your brother,  
Most provident in peril, bind himself,  
Courage and hope both teaching him the practise,  
To a strong mast that lived upon the sea;  
Where, like Arion on the dolphin's back,  
I saw him hold acquaintance with the waves  
So long as I could see.

VIOLA  
For saying so, there's gold:  
Mine own escape unfoldeth to my hope,  
Whereto thy speech serves for authority,  
The like of him. Know'st thou this country?

Captain  
Ay, madam, well; for I was bred and born  
Not three hours' travel from this very place.

VIOLA  
Who governs here?

Captain  
A noble duke, in nature as in name.

VIOLA  
What is the name?

Captain  
Orsino.

VIOLA  
Orsino! I have heard my father name him:  
He was a bachelor then.

Captain  
And so is now, or was so very late;  
For but a month ago I went from hence,  
And then 'twas fresh in murmur,--as, you know,  
What great ones do the less will prattle of,--  
That he did seek the love of fair Olivia.

VIOLA  
What's she?

Captain  
A virtuous maid, the daughter of a count  
That died some twelvemonth since, then leaving her  
In the protection of his son, her brother,  
Who shortly also died: for whose dear love,  
They say, she hath abjured the company  
And sight of men.

VIOLA  
O that I served that lady  
And might not be delivered to the world,  
Till I had made mine own occasion mellow,  
What my estate is!

Captain  
That were hard to compass;  
Because she will admit no man’s suit,  
No, not the duke's.

VIOLA  
There is a fair behavior in thee, captain;  
And though that nature with a beauteous wall  
Doth oft close in pollution, yet of thee  
I will believe thou hast a mind that suits  
With this thy fair and outward character.  
I prithee, and I'll pay thee bounteously,  
Conceal me what I am, and be my aid  
For such disguise as haply shall become  
The form of my intent. I'll serve this duke:  
Thou shall present me as an eunuch to him:  
It may be worth thy pains; for I can sing  
And speak to him in many sorts of music  
That will allow me very worth his service.  
And that allow me time with the lady.  
What else may hap to time I will commit;  
Only shape thou thy silence to my wit.

Captain  
Be you his eunuch, and your mute I'll be:  
When my tongue blabs, then let mine eyes not see.

VIOLA  
I thank thee: lead me on.

 

_Exeunt_


	3. Act I Scene III

###  **ACT I SCENE III. OLIVIA'S house.**

_Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA_

SIR TOBY BELCH   
What a plague means my niece, to take the death of   
her brother thus? I am sure care's an enemy to life.

MARIA   
By my troth, Sir Toby, you must come in earlier o'   
nights: your cousin, my lady, takes great   
exceptions to your ill hours.

SIR TOBY BELCH   
Why, let her except, before excepted.

MARIA   
Ay, but you must confine yourself within the modest   
limits of order.

SIR TOBY BELCH   
Confine! I'll confine myself no finer than I am:   
these clothes are good enough to drink in; and so be   
these boots too: an they be not, let them hang   
themselves in their own straps.

MARIA   
That quaffing and drinking will undo you: I heard   
my lady talk of it yesterday; and of a foolish   
knight that you brought in one night here to be her wooer.

SIR TOBY BELCH   
Who, Sir Andrew Aguecheek?

MARIA   
Ay, he.

SIR TOBY BELCH   
He's as tall a man as any's in Illyria.

MARIA   
What's that to the purpose?

SIR TOBY BELCH   
Why, he has three thousand ducats a year.

MARIA   
Ay, but he'll have but a year in all these ducats:   
he's a very fool and a prodigal.

SIR TOBY BELCH   
Fie, that you'll say so! he plays o' the   
viol-de-gamboys, and speaks three or four languages   
word for word without book, and hath all the good   
gifts of nature.

MARIA   
He hath indeed, almost natural: for besides that   
he's a fool, he's a great quarreller: and but that   
he hath the gift of a coward to allay the gust he   
hath in quarrelling, 'tis thought among the prudent   
he would quickly have the gift of a grave.

SIR TOBY BELCH   
By this hand, they are scoundrels and subtractors   
that say so of him. Who are they?

MARIA   
They that add, moreover, he's drunk nightly in your company.

SIR TOBY BELCH   
With drinking healths to my niece: I'll drink to   
her as long as there is a passage in my throat and   
drink in Illyria: he's a coward and a coystrill   
that will not drink to my niece till his brains turn   
o' the toe like a parish-top. What, wench!   
Castiliano vulgo! for here comes Sir Andrew Agueface.

_Enter SIR ANDREW_

SIR ANDREW   
Sir Toby Belch! how now, Sir Toby Belch!

SIR TOBY BELCH   
Sweet Sir Andrew!

SIR ANDREW   
Bless you, fair shrew.

MARIA   
And you too, sir.

SIR TOBY BELCH   
Accost, Sir Andrew, accost.

SIR ANDREW   
What's that?

SIR TOBY BELCH   
My niece's chambermaid.

SIR ANDREW   
Good Mistress Accost, I desire better acquaintance.

MARIA   
My name is Mary, sir.

SIR ANDREW   
Good Mistress Mary Accost,--

SIR TOBY BELCH   
You mistake, knight; 'accost' is front her, board   
her, woo her, assail her.

SIR ANDREW   
By my troth, I would not undertake her in this   
company. Is that the meaning of 'accost'?

MARIA   
Fare you well, gentlemen.

SIR TOBY BELCH   
An thou let part so, Sir Andrew, would thou mightst   
never draw sword again.

SIR ANDREW   
An you part so, mistress, I would I might never   
draw sword again. Fair lady, do you think you have   
fools in hand?

MARIA   
Sir, I have not you by the hand.

SIR ANDREW   
Marry, but you shall have; and here's my hand.

MARIA   
Now, sir, 'thought is free:' I pray you, bring   
your hand to the buttery-bar and let it drink.

SIR ANDREW   
Wherefore, sweet-heart? what's your metaphor?

MARIA   
It's dry, sir.

SIR ANDREW   
Why, I think so: I am not such an ass but I can   
keep my hand dry. But what's your jest?

MARIA   
A dry jest, sir.

SIR ANDREW   
Are you full of them?

MARIA   
Ay, sir, I have them at my fingers' ends: marry,   
now I let go your hand, I am barren.

_Exit_

SIR TOBY BELCH   
O knight thou lackest a cup of canary: when did I   
see thee so put down?

SIR ANDREW   
Never in your life, I think; unless you see canary   
put me down. Methinks sometimes I have no more wit   
than a Christian or an ordinary man has: but I am a   
great eater of beef and I believe that does harm to my wit.

SIR TOBY BELCH   
No question.

SIR ANDREW   
An I thought that, I'ld forswear it. I'll ride home

to-morrow, Sir Toby.

SIR TOBY BELCH   
Pourquoi, my dear knight?

SIR ANDREW   
What is 'Pourquoi'? do or not do? I would I had   
bestowed that time in the tongues that I have in   
fencing, dancing and bear-baiting: O, had I but   
followed the arts!

SIR TOBY BELCH   
Then hadst thou had an excellent head of hair.

SIR ANDREW   
Why, would that have mended my hair?

SIR TOBY BELCH   
Past question; for thou seest it will not curl by nature.

SIR ANDREW   
But it becomes me well enough, does't not?

SIR TOBY BELCH   
Excellent; it hangs like flax on a distaff; and I   
hope to see a housewife take thee between her legs   
and spin it off.

SIR ANDREW   
Faith, I'll home to-morrow, Sir Toby: your niece   
will not be seen; or if she be, it's four to one   
she'll none of me: the count himself here hard by woos her.

SIR TOBY BELCH   
She'll none o' the count: she'll not match above   
her degree, neither in estate, years, nor wit; I   
have heard her swear't. Tut, there's life in't,   
man.

SIR ANDREW   
I'll stay a month longer. I am a fellow o' the   
strangest mind i' the world; I delight in masques   
and revels sometimes altogether.

SIR TOBY BELCH   
Art thou good at these kickshawses, knight?

SIR ANDREW   
As any man in Illyria, whatsoever he be, under the   
degree of my betters; and yet I will not compare   
with an old man.

SIR TOBY BELCH   
What is thy excellence in a galliard, knight?

SIR ANDREW   
Faith, I can cut a caper.

SIR TOBY BELCH   
And I can cut the mutton to't.

SIR ANDREW   
And I think I have the back-trick simply as strong   
as any man in Illyria.

SIR TOBY BELCH   
Wherefore are these things hid? wherefore have   
these gifts a curtain before 'em? are they like to   
take dust, like Mistress Mall's picture? why dost   
thou not go to church in a galliard and come home in   
a coranto? My very walk should be a jig; I would not   
so much as make water but in a sink-a-pace. What   
dost thou mean? Is it a world to hide virtues in?   
I did think, by the excellent constitution of thy   
leg, it was formed under the star of a galliard.

SIR ANDREW   
Ay, 'tis strong, and it does indifferent well in a   
flame-coloured stock. Shall we set about some revels?

SIR TOBY BELCH   
What shall we do else? were we not born under Taurus?

SIR ANDREW   
Taurus! That's sides and heart.

SIR TOBY BELCH   
No, sir; it is legs and thighs. Let me see the   
caper; ha! higher: ha, ha! excellent!

 

_Exeunt_


	4. Act I Scene IV

###  ACT I SCENE IV. DUKE ORSINO's palace.

_Enter VALENTINE and VIOLA in man's attire_

VALENTINE  
If the duke continue these favours towards you,  
Cesario, you are like to be much advanced: he hath  
known you but three days, and already you are no stranger.

VIOLA  
You either fear his humour or my negligence, that  
you call in question the continuance of his love:  
is he inconstant, sir, in his favours?

VALENTINE  
No, believe me.

VIOLA  
I thank you. Here comes the count.

_Enter DUKE ORSINO, CURIO, and Attendants_

DUKE ORSINO  
Who saw Cesario, ho?

VIOLA  
On your attendance, my lord; here.

DUKE ORSINO  
Stand you a while aloof, Cesario,  
Thou know'st no less but all; I have unclasp'd  
To thee the book even of my secret soul:  
Therefore, good youth, address thy gait unto her;  
Be not denied access, stand at her doors,  
And tell them, there thy fixed foot shall grow  
Till thou have audience.

VIOLA  
Sure, my noble lord,  
If she be so abandon'd to her sorrow  
As it is spoke, she never will admit me.

DUKE ORSINO  
Be clamorous and leap all civil bounds  
Rather than make unprofited return.

VIOLA  
Say I do speak with her, my lord, what then?

DUKE ORSINO  
O, then unfold the passion of my love,  
Surprise her with discourse of my dear faith:  
It shall become thee well to act my woes;  
She will attend it better in thy youth  
Than in a nuncio's of more grave aspect.

VIOLA  
I think not so, my lord.

DUKE ORSINO  
Dear lad, believe it;  
For they shall yet belie thy happy years,  
That say thou art a man: Diana's lip  
Is not more smooth and rubious; thy small pipe  
Is as the maiden's organ, shrill and sound,  
And all is semblative a woman's part.  
I know thy constellation is right apt  
For this affair. Some four or five attend him;  
All, if you will; for I myself am best  
When least in company. Prosper well in this,  
And thou shalt live as freely as thy lord,  
To call his fortunes thine.

VIOLA  
I'll do my best  
To woo your lady:  
_Aside_  
yet, a barful strife!  
I woo for him, yet I would be her wife.

 

_Exeunt_


	5. Act I Scene V

###  ACT I SCENE V. OLIVIA'S house.

_Enter MARIA and CLOWN_

MARIA  
Nay, either tell me where thou hast been, or I will  
not open my lips so wide as a bristle may enter in  
way of thy excuse: my lady will hang thee for thy absence.

CLOWN  
Let her hang me: he that is well hanged in this  
world needs to fear no colours.

MARIA  
Make that good.

CLOWN  
He shall see none to fear.

MARIA  
A good lenten answer: I can tell thee where that  
saying was born, of 'I fear no colours.'

CLOWN  
Where, good Mistress Mary?

MARIA  
In the wars; and that may you be bold to say in your foolery.

CLOWN  
Well, God give them wisdom that have it; and those  
that are fools, let them use their talents.

MARIA  
Yet you will be hanged for being so long absent; or,  
to be turned away, is not that as good as a hanging to you?

CLOWN  
Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage; and,  
for turning away, let summer bear it out.

MARIA  
You are resolute, then?

CLOWN  
Not so, neither; but I am resolved on two points.

MARIA  
That if one break, the other will hold; or, if both  
break, your gaskins fall.

CLOWN  
Apt, in good faith; very apt. Well, go thy way; if  
Sir Toby would leave drinking, thou wert as witty a  
piece of Eve's flesh as any in Illyria.

MARIA  
Peace, you rogue, no more o' that. Here comes my  
lady: make your excuse wisely, you were best.

_Exit_

CLOWN  
Wit, an't be thy will, put me into good fooling!  
Those wits, that think they have thee, do very oft  
prove fools; and I, that am sure I lack thee, may  
pass for a wise man: for what says Quinapalus?  
'Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit.'  
_Enter OLIVIA with MALVOLIO_  
God bless thee, lady!

OLIVIA  
Take the fool away.

CLOWN  
Do you not hear, fellows? Take away the lady.

OLIVIA  
Go to, you're a dry fool; I'll no more of you:  
besides, you grow dishonest.

CLOWN  
Two faults, madonna, that drink and good counsel  
will amend: for give the dry fool drink, then is  
the fool not dry: bid the dishonest man mend  
himself; if he mend, he is no longer dishonest; if  
he cannot, let the botcher mend him. Any thing  
that's mended is but patched: virtue that  
transgresses is but patched with sin; and sin that  
amends is but patched with virtue. If that this  
simple syllogism will serve, so; if it will not,  
what remedy? As there is no true cuckold but  
calamity, so beauty's a flower. The lady bade take  
away the fool; therefore, I say again, take her away.

OLIVIA  
Sir, I bade them take away you.

CLOWN  
Misprision in the highest degree! Lady, cucullus non  
facit monachum; that's as much to say as I wear not  
motley in my brain. Good madonna, give me leave to  
prove you a fool.

OLIVIA  
Can you do it?

CLOWN  
Dexterously, good madonna.

OLIVIA  
Make your proof.

CLOWN  
I must catechise you for it, madonna: good my mouse  
of virtue, answer me.

OLIVIA  
Well, sir, for want of other idleness, I'll bide your proof.

CLOWN  
Good madonna, why mournest thou?

OLIVIA  
Good fool, for my brother's death.

CLOWN  
I think his soul is in hell, madonna.

OLIVIA  
I know his soul is in heaven, fool.

CLOWN  
The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your brother's  
soul being in heaven. Take away the fool, gentlemen.

OLIVIA  
What think you of this fool, Malvolio? doth he not mend?

MALVOLIO  
Yes, and shall do till the pangs of death shake him:  
infirmity, that decays the wise, doth ever make the  
better fool.

CLOWN  
God send you, sir, a speedy infirmity, for the  
better increasing your folly! Sir Toby will be  
sworn that I am no fox; but he will not pass his  
word for two pence that you are no fool.

OLIVIA  
How say you to that, Malvolio?

MALVOLIO  
I marvel your ladyship takes delight in such a  
barren rascal: I saw him put down the other day  
with an ordinary fool that has no more brain  
than a stone. Look you now, he's out of his guard  
already; unless you laugh and minister occasion to  
him, he is gagged. I protest, I take these wise men,  
that crow so at these set kind of fools, no better  
than the fools' zanies.

OLIVIA  
Oh, you are sick of self-love, Malvolio, and taste  
with a distempered appetite. To be generous,  
guiltless and of free disposition, is to take those  
things for bird-bolts that you deem cannon-bullets:  
there is no slander in an allowed fool, though he do  
nothing but rail; nor no railing in a known discreet  
man, though he do nothing but reprove.

CLOWN  
Now Mercury endue thee with leasing, for thou  
speakest well of fools!

_Re-enter MARIA_

MARIA  
Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman much  
desires to speak with you.

OLIVIA  
From the Count Orsino, is it?

MARIA  
I know not, madam: 'tis a fair young man, and well attended.

OLIVIA  
Who of my people hold him in delay?

MARIA  
Sir Toby, madam, your kinsman.

OLIVIA  
Fetch him off, I pray you; he speaks nothing but  
madman: fie on him!  
_Exit MARIA_  
Go you, Malvolio: if it be a suit from the count, I  
am sick, or not at home; what you will, to dismiss it.  
_Exit MALVOLIO_  
Now you see, sir, how your fooling grows old, and  
people dislike it.

CLOWN  
Thou hast spoke for us, madonna, as if thy eldest  
son should be a fool; whose skull Jove cram with  
brains! for,--here he comes,--one of thy kin has a  
most weak pia mater.

_Enter SIR TOBY BELCH_

OLIVIA  
By mine honour, half drunk. What is he at the gate, cousin?

SIR TOBY BELCH  
A gentleman.

OLIVIA  
A gentleman! what gentleman?

SIR TOBY BELCH  
'Tis a gentle man here--a plague o' these  
pickle-herring! How now, sot!

CLOWN  
Good Sir Toby!

OLIVIA  
Cousin, cousin, how have you come so early by this lethargy?

SIR TOBY BELCH  
Lechery! I defy lechery. There's one at the gate.

OLIVIA  
Ay, marry, what is he?

SIR TOBY BELCH  
Let him be the devil, an he will, I care not: give  
me faith, say I. Well, it's all one.

_Exit_

OLIVIA  
What's a drunken man like, fool?

CLOWN  
Like a drowned man, a fool and a mad man: one  
draught above heat makes him a fool; the second mads  
him; and a third drowns him.

OLIVIA  
Go thou and seek the crowner, and let him sit o' my  
coz; for he's in the third degree of drink, he's  
drowned: go, look after him.

CLOWN  
He is but mad yet, madonna; and the fool shall look  
to the madman.

_Exit_  
Re-enter MALVOLIO

MALVOLIO  
Madam, yond young fellow swears he will speak with  
you. I told him you were sick; he takes on him to  
understand so much, and therefore comes to speak  
with you. I told him you were asleep; he seems to  
have a foreknowledge of that too, and therefore  
comes to speak with you. What is to be said to him,  
lady? he's fortified against any denial.

OLIVIA  
Tell him he shall not speak with me.

MALVOLIO  
Has been told so; and he says, he'll stand at your  
door like a sheriff's post, and be the supporter to  
a bench, but he'll speak with you.

OLIVIA  
What kind o' man is he?

MALVOLIO  
Why, of mankind.

OLIVIA  
What manner of man?

MALVOLIO  
Of very ill manner; he'll speak with you, will you or no.

OLIVIA  
Of what personage and years is he?

MALVOLIO  
Not yet old enough for a man, nor young enough for  
a boy; as a squash is before 'tis a peascod, or a  
cooling when 'tis almost an apple: 'tis with him  
in standing water, between boy and man. He is very  
well-favoured and he speaks very shrewishly; one  
would think his mother's milk were scarce out of him.

OLIVIA  
Let him approach: call in my gentlewoman.

MALVOLIO  
Gentlewoman, my lady calls.  
_Exit_

_Re-enter MARIA_

OLIVIA  
Give me my veil: come, throw it o'er my face.  
We'll once more hear Orsino's embassy.

_Enter VIOLA, and Attendants_

VIOLA  
The honourable lady of the house, which is she?

OLIVIA  
Speak to me; I shall answer for her.  
Your will?

VIOLA  
Most radiant, exquisite and unmatchable beauty,--I  
pray you, tell me if this be the lady of the house,  
for I never saw her: I would be loath to cast away  
my speech, for besides that it is excellently well  
penned, I have taken great pains to con it. Good  
beauties, let me sustain no scorn; I am very  
comptible, even to the least sinister usage.

OLIVIA  
Whence came you, sir?

VIOLA  
I can say little more than I have studied, and that  
question's out of my part. Good gentle one, give me  
modest assurance if you be the lady of the house,  
that I may proceed in my speech.

OLIVIA  
Are you a comedian?

VIOLA  
No, my profound heart: and yet, by the very fangs  
of malice I swear, I am not that I play. Are you  
the lady of the house?

OLIVIA  
If I do not usurp myself, I am.

VIOLA  
Most certain, if you are she, you do usurp  
yourself; for what is yours to bestow is not yours  
to reserve. But this is from my commission: I will  
on with my speech in your praise, and then show you  
the heart of my message.

OLIVIA  
Come to what is important in't: I forgive you the praise.

VIOLA  
Alas, I took great pains to study it, and 'tis poetical.

OLIVIA  
It is the more like to be feigned: I pray you,  
keep it in. I heard you were saucy at my gates,  
and allowed your approach rather to wonder at you  
than to hear you. If you be not mad, be gone; if  
you have reason, be brief: 'tis not that time of  
moon with me to make one in so skipping a dialogue.

MARIA  
Will you hoist sail, sir? here lies your way.

VIOLA  
No, good swabber; I am to hull here a little  
longer. Some mollification for your giant, sweet  
lady. Tell me your mind: I am a messenger.

OLIVIA  
Sure, you have some hideous matter to deliver, when  
the courtesy of it is so fearful. Speak your office.

VIOLA  
It alone concerns your ear. I bring no overture of  
war, no taxation of homage: I hold the olive in my  
hand; my words are as fun of peace as matter.

OLIVIA  
Yet you began rudely. What are you? what would you?

VIOLA  
The rudeness that hath appeared in me have I  
learned from my entertainment. What I am, and what I  
would, are as secret as maidenhead; to your ears,  
divinity, to any other's, profanation.

OLIVIA  
Give us the place alone: we will hear this divinity.  
_Exeunt MARIA and Attendants_  
Now, sir, what is your text?

VIOLA  
Most sweet lady,--

OLIVIA  
A comfortable doctrine, and much may be said of it.  
Where lies your text?

VIOLA  
In Orsino's bosom.

OLIVIA  
In his bosom! In what chapter of his bosom?

VIOLA  
To answer by the method, in the first of his heart.

OLIVIA  
O, I have read it: it is heresy. Have you no more to say?

VIOLA  
Good madam, let me see your face.

OLIVIA  
Have you any commission from your lord to negotiate  
with my face? You are now out of your text: but  
we will draw the curtain and show you the picture.  
Look you, sir, such a one I was this present: is't  
not well done?  
Unveiling

VIOLA  
Excellently done, if God did all.

OLIVIA  
'Tis in grain, sir; 'twill endure wind and weather.

VIOLA  
'Tis beauty truly blent, whose red and white  
Nature's own sweet and cunning hand laid on:  
Lady, you are the cruell'st she alive,  
If you will lead these graces to the grave  
And leave the world no copy.

OLIVIA  
O, sir, I will not be so hard-hearted; I will give  
out divers schedules of my beauty: it shall be  
inventoried, and every particle and utensil  
labelled to my will: as, item, two lips,  
indifferent red; item, two grey eyes, with lids to  
them; item, one neck, one chin, and so forth. Were  
you sent hither to praise me?

VIOLA  
I see you what you are, you are too proud;  
But, if you were the devil, you are fair.  
My lord and master loves you: O, such love  
Could be but recompensed, though you were crown'd  
The nonpareil of beauty!

OLIVIA  
How does he love me?

VIOLA  
With adorations, fertile tears,  
With groans that thunder love, with sighs of fire.

OLIVIA  
Your lord does know my mind; I cannot love him:  
Yet I suppose him virtuous, know him noble,  
Of great estate, of fresh and stainless youth;  
In voices well divulged, free, learn'd and valiant;  
And in dimension and the shape of nature  
A gracious person: but yet I cannot love him;  
He might have took his answer long ago.

VIOLA  
If I did love you in my master's flame,  
With such a suffering, such a deadly life,  
In your denial I would find no sense;  
I would not understand it.

OLIVIA  
Why, what would you?

VIOLA  
Make me a willow cabin at your gate,  
And call upon my soul within the house;  
Write loyal cantons of contemned love  
And sing them loud even in the dead of night;  
Halloo your name to the reverberate hills  
And make the babbling gossip of the air  
Cry out 'Olivia!' O, You should not rest  
Between the elements of air and earth,  
But you should pity me!

OLIVIA  
You might do much.  
What is your parentage?

VIOLA  
Above my fortunes, yet my state is well:  
I am a gentleman.

OLIVIA  
Get you to your lord;  
I cannot love him: let him send no more;  
Unless, perchance, you come to me again,  
To tell me how he takes it. Fare you well:  
I thank you for your pains: spend this for me.

VIOLA  
I am no fee'd post, lady; keep your purse:  
My master, not myself, lacks recompense.  
Love make his heart of flint that you shall love;  
And let your fervor, like my master's, be  
Placed in contempt! Farewell, fair cruelty.  
Exit

_OLIVIA_  
'What is your parentage?'  
'Above my fortunes, yet my state is well:  
I am a gentleman.' I'll be sworn thou art;  
Thy tongue, thy face, thy limbs, actions and spirit,  
Do give thee five-fold blazon: not too fast:  
soft, soft!  
Unless the gentle- is not of man. How now!  
Even so quickly may one catch the plague?  
Methinks I feel this youth's perfections  
With an invisible and subtle stealth  
To creep in at mine eyes. Well, let it be.  
What ho, Malvolio!

_Re-enter MALVOLIO_

MALVOLIO  
Here, madam, at your service.

OLIVIA  
Run after that same peevish messenger,  
The county's man: he left this ring behind him,  
Would I or not: tell him I'll none of it.  
Desire him not to flatter with his lord,  
Nor hold him up with hopes; I am not for him:  
If that the youth will come this way to-morrow,  
I'll give him reasons for't: hie thee, Malvolio.

MALVOLIO  
Madam, I will.

_Exit_

OLIVIA  
I do I know not what, and fear to find  
Mine eye too great a flatterer for my mind.  
Fate, show thy force: ourselves we do not owe;  
What is decreed must be, and be this so.

 

_Exit_


	6. Act II Scene I

###  **ACT II SCENE I. The sea-coast.**

_ Enter ANTONIO and SEBASTIAN _

**ANTONIO**   
Will you stay no longer? nor will you not that I go with you?

**SEBASTIAN  
** By your patience, no. My stars shine darkly over  
me: the malignancy of my fate might perhaps  
distemper yours; therefore I shall crave of you your  
leave that I may bear my evils alone: it were a bad  
recompense for your love, to lay any of them on you.

**ANTONIO:  
** Let me yet know of you whither you are bound.

**SEBASTIAN  
** No, sooth, sir: my determinate voyage is mere  
extravagancy. But I perceive in you so excellent a  
touch of modesty, that you will not extort from me  
what I am willing to keep in; therefore it charges  
me in manners the rather to express myself. You  
must know of me then, Antonio, my name is Sebastian,  
which I called Roderigo. My father was that  
Sebastian of Messaline, whom I know you have heard.  
He left behind him myself and a sister, both  
born in an hour: if the heavens had been pleased,  
would we had so ended! but you, sir, altered that;  
for some hour before you took me from the breach of  
the sea was my sister drowned.

**ANTONIO  
** Alas the day!

**SEBASTIAN  
** A lady, sir, though it was said she much resembled  
me, was yet of many accounted beautiful: but,  
though I could not with such estimable wonder  
overfar believe that, yet thus far I will boldly  
publish her; she bore a mind that envy could not but  
call fair. She is drowned already, sir, with salt  
water, though I seem to drown her remembrance again with more.

**ANTONIO  
** Pardon me, sir, your bad entertainment.

**SEBASTIAN  
** O good Antonio, forgive me your trouble.

**ANTONIO  
** If you will not murder me for my love, let me be  
your servant.

**SEBASTIAN  
** If you will not undo what you have done, that is,  
kill him whom you have recovered, desire it not.  
Fare ye well at once: my bosom is full of kindness,  
and I am yet so near the manners of my mother, that  
upon the least occasion more mine eyes will tell  
tales of me. I am bound to the Count Orsino's court: farewell.

_ Exit _

**ANTONIO  
** The gentleness of all the gods go with thee!  
I have many enemies in Orsino's court,  
Else would I very shortly see thee there.  
But, come what may, I do adore thee so,  
That danger shall seem sport, and I will go.

_ Exit _


	7. Act II Scene II

###  **ACT II SCENE II. A street.**

_ Enter VIOLA, MALVOLIO following _

**MALVOLIO  
** Were not you even now with the Countess Olivia?

**VIOLA  
** Even now, sir; on a moderate pace I have since  
arrived but hither.

**MALVOLIO  
** She returns this ring to you, sir: you might have  
saved me my pains, to have taken it away yourself.  
She adds, moreover, that you should put your lord  
into a desperate assurance she will none of him:  
and one thing more, that you be never so hardy to  
come again in his affairs, unless it be to report  
your lord's taking of this. Receive it so.

**VIOLA  
** She took the ring of me: I'll none of it.

**MALVOLIO  
** Come, sir, you peevishly threw it to her; and her  
will is, it should be so returned: if it be worth  
stooping for, there it lies in your eye; if not, be  
it his that finds it.

_ Exit _

**VIOLA  
** I left no ring with her: what means this lady?  
Fortune forbid my outside have not charm'd her!  
She made good view of me; indeed, so much,  
That sure methought her eyes had lost her tongue,  
For she did speak in starts distractedly.  
She loves _Cesario_ , sure; her passion  
Invites me in this churlish messenger.  
None of my lord's ring! why, he sent her none.  
I am the man: if it be so, as 'tis,  
Poor lady, she has confused my gender.  
Disguise, I see, thou art a wickedness,  
Wherein the pregnant enemy does much.  
How easy is it for the proper-false  
In women's waxen hearts to set their forms!  
Alas, our frailty is the cause, not we!  
For such as we are made of, such we be.  
How will this fadge? my master loves her dearly;  
And I, poor monster, fond as much on her;  
And she, mistaken, seems to dote on me.  
What will become of this? As I am man,  
My state is desperate for my Olivia's love;  
If I am woman,--now alas the day!--  
What thriftless sighs shall poor Olivia breathe!  
O time! thou must untangle this, not I;  
It is too hard a knot for me to untie!

_ Exit _


	8. Act II Scene III

###  **ACT II SCENE III. OLIVIA's house.**

_ Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and SIR ANDREW _

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Approach, Sir Andrew: not to be abed after  
midnight is to be up betimes; and 'diluculo  
surgere,' thou know'st,--

**SIR ANDREW  
** Nay, my troth, I know not: but I know, to be up  
late is to be up late.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** A false conclusion: I hate it as an unfilled can.  
To be up after midnight and to go to bed then, is  
early: so that to go to bed after midnight is to go  
to bed betimes. Does not our life consist of the  
four elements?

**SIR ANDREW  
** Faith, so they say; but I think it rather consists  
of eating and drinking.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Thou'rt a scholar; let us therefore eat and drink.  
Marian, I say! a stoup of wine!

_ Enter Clown _

**SIR ANDREW  
** Here comes the fool, i' faith.

**Clown  
** How now, my hearts! did you never see the picture  
of 'we three'?

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Welcome, ass. Now let's have a catch.

**SIR ANDREW  
** By my troth, the fool has an excellent breast. I  
had rather than forty shillings I had such a leg,  
and so sweet a breath to sing, as the fool has. In  
sooth, thou wast in very gracious fooling last  
night, when thou spokest of Pigrogromitus, of the  
Vapians passing the equinoctial of Queubus: 'twas  
very good, i' faith. I sent thee sixpence for thy  
leman: hadst it?

**Clown  
** I did impeticos thy gratillity; for Malvolio's nose  
is no whipstock: my lady has a white hand, and the  
Myrmidons are no bottle-ale houses.

**SIR ANDREW  
** Excellent! why, this is the best fooling, when all  
is done. Now, a song.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Come on; there is sixpence for you: let's have a song.

**SIR ANDREW  
** There's a testril of me too: if one knight give a--

**Clown  
** Would you have a love-song, or a song of good life?

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** A love-song, a love-song.

**SIR ANDREW  
** Ay, ay: I care not for good life.

**Clown  
** [Sings]  
O mistress mine, where are you roaming?  
O, stay and hear; your true love's coming,  
That can sing both high and low:  
Trip no further, pretty sweeting;  
Journeys end in lovers seeing,  
Every wise man's son doth know.

**SIR ANDREW  
** Excellent good, i' faith.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Good, good.

**Clown  
** [Sings]  
What is love? 'tis not hereafter;  
Present mirth hath present laughter;  
What's to come is still unsure:  
In delay there lies no plenty;  
Then come kiss me, sweet and twenty,  
Youth's a stuff will not endure.

**SIR ANDREW  
** A mellifluous voice, as I am true knight.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** A contagious breath.

**SIR ANDREW  
** Very sweet and contagious, i' faith.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** To hear by the nose, it is dulcet in contagion.  
But shall we make the welkin dance indeed? shall we  
rouse the night-owl in a catch that will draw three  
souls out of one weaver? shall we do that?

**SIR ANDREW  
** An you love me, let's do't: I am dog at a catch.

**Clown  
** By'r lady, sir, and some dogs will catch well.

**SIR ANDREW  
** Most certain. Let our catch be, 'Thou knave.'

**Clown  
** 'Hold thy peace, thou knave,' knight? I shall be  
constrained in't to call thee knave, knight.

**SIR ANDREW  
** 'Tis not the first time I have constrained one to  
call me knave. Begin, fool: it begins 'Hold thy peace.'

**Clown  
** I shall never begin if I hold my peace.

**SIR ANDREW  
** Good, i' faith. Come, begin.  
_ Catch sung _

_ Enter MARIA _

**MARIA  
** What a caterwauling do you keep here! If my lady  
have not called up her steward Malvolio and bid him  
turn you out of doors, never trust me.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** My lady's a Cataian, we are politicians, Malvolio's  
a Peg-a-Ramsey, and 'Three merry men be we.' Am not  
I consanguineous? am I not of her blood?  
Tillyvally. Lady!  
_ Sings  
_ 'There dwelt a man in Babylon, lady, lady!'

**Clown  
** Beshrew me, the knight's in admirable fooling.

**SIR ANDREW  
** Ay, he does well enough if he be disposed, and so do  
I too: he does it with a better grace, but I do it  
more natural.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** [Sings] 'O, the twelfth day of December,'--

**MARIA  
** For the love o' God, peace!

_ Enter MALVOLIO _

**MALVOLIO  
** My masters, are you mad? or what are you? Have ye  
no wit, manners, nor honesty, but to gabble like  
tinkers at this time of night? Do ye make an  
alehouse of my lady's house, that ye squeak out your  
coziers' catches without any mitigation or remorse  
of voice? Is there no respect of place, persons, nor  
time in you?

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** We did keep time, sir, in our catches. Sneck up!

**MALVOLIO  
** Sir Toby, I must be round with you. My lady bade me  
tell you, that, though she harbours you as her  
kinsman, she's nothing allied to your disorders. If  
you can separate yourself and your misdemeanors, you  
are welcome to the house; if not, an it would please  
you to take leave of her, she is very willing to bid  
you farewell.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** 'Farewell, dear heart, since I must needs be gone.'

**MARIA  
** Nay, good Sir Toby.

**Clown  
** 'His eyes do show his days are almost done.'

**MALVOLIO  
** Is't even so?

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** 'But I will never die.'

**Clown  
** Sir Toby, there you lie.

**MALVOLIO  
** This is much credit to you.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** 'Shall I bid him go?'

**Clown  
** 'What an if you do?'

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** 'Shall I bid him go, and spare not?'

**Clown  
** 'O no, no, no, no, you dare not.'

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Out o' tune, sir: ye lie. Art any more than a  
steward? Dost thou think, because thou art  
virtuous, there shall be no more cakes and ale?

**Clown  
** Yes, by Saint Anne, and ginger shall be hot i' the  
mouth too.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Thou'rt i' the right. Go, sir, rub your chain with  
crumbs. A stoup of wine, Maria!

**MALVOLIO  
** Mistress Mary, if you prized my lady's favour at any  
thing more than contempt, you would not give means  
for this uncivil rule: she shall know of it, by this hand.

_ Exit _

**MARIA  
** Go shake your ears.

**SIR ANDREW  
** 'Twere as good a deed as to drink when a man's  
a-hungry, to challenge him the field, and then to  
break promise with him and make a fool of him.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Do't, knight: I'll write thee a challenge: or I'll  
deliver thy indignation to him by word of mouth.

**MARIA  
** Sweet Sir Toby, be patient for tonight: since the  
youth of the count's was today with thy lady, she is  
much out of quiet. For Monsieur Malvolio, let me  
alone with him: if I do not gull him into a  
nayword, and make him a common recreation, do not  
think I have wit enough to lie straight in my bed:  
I know I can do it.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Possess us, possess us; tell us something of him.

**MARIA  
** Marry, sir, sometimes he is a kind of puritan.

**SIR ANDREW  
** O, if I thought that I'ld beat him like a dog!

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** What, for being a puritan? thy exquisite reason,  
dear knight?

**SIR ANDREW  
** I have no exquisite reason for't, but I have reason  
good enough.

**MARIA  
** The devil a puritan that he is, or any thing  
constantly, but a time-pleaser; an affectioned ass,  
that cons state without book and utters it by great  
swarths: the best persuaded of himself, so  
crammed, as he thinks, with excellencies, that it is  
his grounds of faith that all that look on him love  
him; and on that vice in him will my revenge find  
notable cause to work.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** What wilt thou do?

**MARIA  
** I will drop in his way some obscure epistles of  
love; wherein, by the colour of his beard, the shape  
of his leg, the manner of his gait, the expressure  
of his eye, forehead, and complexion, he shall find  
himself most feelingly personated. I can write very  
like my lady your niece: on a forgotten matter we  
can hardly make distinction of our hands.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Excellent! I smell a device.

**SIR ANDREW  
** I have't in my nose too.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** He shall think, by the letters that thou wilt drop,  
that they come from my niece, and that she's in  
love with him.

**MARIA  
** My purpose is, indeed, a horse of that colour.

**SIR ANDREW  
** And your horse now would make him an ass.

**MARIA  
** Ass, I doubt not.

**SIR ANDREW  
** O, 'twill be admirable!

**MARIA  
** Sport royal, I warrant you: I know my physic will  
work with him. I will plant you two, and let the  
fool make a third, where he shall find the letter:  
observe his construction of it. For this night, to  
bed, and dream on the event. Farewell.

_ Exit _

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Good night, Penthesilea.

**SIR ANDREW  
** Before me, she's a good wench.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** She's a beagle, true-bred, and one that adores me:  
what o' that?

**SIR ANDREW  
** I was adored once too.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Let's to bed, knight. Thou hadst need send for  
more money.

**SIR ANDREW  
** If I cannot recover your niece, I am a foul way out.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Send for money, knight: if thou hast her not i'  
the end, call me cut.

**SIR ANDREW  
** If I do not, never trust me, take it how you will.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Come, come, I'll go burn some sack; 'tis too late  
to go to bed now: come, knight; come, knight.

_ Exeunt _


	9. Act II Scene IV

###  **ACT II SCENE IV. DUKE ORSINO's palace.**

_ Enter DUKE ORSINO, VIOLA, CURIO, and others _

**DUKE ORSINO  
** Give me some music. Now, good morrow, friends.  
Now, good Cesario, but that piece of song,  
That old and antique song we heard last night:  
Methought it did relieve my passion much,  
More than light airs and recollected terms  
Of these most brisk and giddy-paced times:  
Come, but one verse.

**CURIO  
** He is not here, so please your lordship that should sing it.

**DUKE ORSINO  
** Who was it?

**CURIO  
** Feste, the jester, my lord; a fool that the lady  
Olivia's father took much delight in. He is about the house.

**DUKE ORSINO  
** Seek him out, and play the tune the while.

_ Exit CURIO. Music plays _

Come hither, boy: if ever thou shalt love,  
In the sweet pangs of it remember me;  
For such as I am all true lovers are,  
Unstaid and skittish in all motions else,  
Save in the constant image of the creature  
That is beloved. How dost thou like this tune?

**VIOLA  
** It gives a very echo to the seat  
Where Love is throned.

**DUKE ORSINO  
** Thou dost speak masterly:  
My life upon't, young though thou art, thine eye  
Hath stay'd upon some favour that it loves:  
Hath it not, boy?

**VIOLA  
** A little, by your favour.

**DUKE ORSINO  
** What stature is she of?

**VIOLA  
** Just as high as my heart.

**DUKE ORSINO  
** O, she is too short, then. What years, i' faith?

**VIOLA  
** Older than me, my lord.

**DUKE ORSINO  
** Too old by heaven: let still the woman take  
An elder than herself: so wears she to him,  
So sways she level in her husband's heart:  
For, boy, however we do praise ourselves,  
Our fancies are more giddy and unfirm,  
More longing, wavering, sooner lost and worn,  
Than women's are.

**VIOLA  
** If you say so, my lord.

**DUKE ORSINO  
** Then let thy love be younger than thyself,  
Or thy affection cannot hold the bent;  
For women are as roses, whose fair flower  
Being once display'd, doth fall that very hour.

**VIOLA  
** And so they are: alas, that they are so;  
To turn away, when they to perfection grow!

_ Re-enter CURIO and Clown _

**DUKE ORSINO  
** O, fellow, come, the song we had last night.  
Mark it, Cesario, it is old and plain;  
The spinsters and the knitters in the sun  
And the free maids that weave their thread with bones  
Do use to chant it: it is silly sooth,  
And dallies with the innocence of love,  
Like the old age.

**Clown  
** Are you ready, sir?

**DUKE ORSINO  
** Ay; prithee, sing.

_ Music _

**Clown  
** Come away, come away, death,  
And in sad cypress let me be laid;  
Fly away, fly away breath;  
I am slain by a fair cruel maid.  
My shroud of white, stuck all with yew,  
O, prepare it!  
My part of death, no one so true  
Did share it.  
Not a flower, not a flower sweet  
On my black coffin let there be strown;  
Not a friend, not a friend greet  
My poor corpse, where my bones shall be thrown:  
A thousand thousand sighs to save,  
Lay me, O, where  
Sad true lover never find my grave,  
To weep there!

**DUKE ORSINO  
** There's for thy pains.

**Clown  
** No pains, sir: I take pleasure in singing, sir.

**DUKE ORSINO  
** I'll pay thy pleasure then.

**Clown  
** Truly, sir, and pleasure will be paid, one time or another.

**DUKE ORSINO  
** Give me now leave to leave thee.

**Clown  
** Now, the melancholy god protect thee; and the  
tailor make thy doublet of changeable taffeta, for  
thy mind is a very opal. I would have men of such  
constancy put to sea, that their business might be  
every thing and their intent every where; for that's  
it that always makes a good voyage of nothing. Farewell.

_ Exit _

**DUKE ORSINO  
** Let all the rest give place.

_ CURIO and Attendants retire _

Once more, Cesario,  
Get thee to yond same sovereign cruelty:  
Tell her, my love, more noble than the world,  
Prizes not quantity of dirty lands;   
The parts that fortune hath bestow'd upon her,  
Tell her, I hold as giddily as fortune;  
But 'tis that miracle and queen of gemsnot  
That nature pranks her in attracts my soul.

**VIOLA  
** But if she cannot love you, sir?

**DUKE ORSINO  
** I cannot be so answer'd.

**VIOLA  
** Sooth, but you must.  
Say that some other, as perhaps there is,  
Hath for the lady a great a pang of heart  
As you have for Olivia: you cannot love her;  
You tell her so; must she not then be answer'd?

**DUKE ORSINO  
** There is no person's sides  
Can bide the beating of so strong a passion  
As love doth give my heart; no human's heart  
So big, to hold so much; they lack retention  
Alas, their love may be call'd appetite,  
No motion of the liver, but the palate,  
That suffer surfeit, cloyment and revolt;  
But mine is all as hungry as a bear,  
And can digest as much: make no compare  
Between that love a person can bear her  
And that I owe Olivia.

**VIOLA  
** Sure, but I know--

**DUKE ORSINO  
** What dost thou know?

**VIOLA  
** Too well what love women to others owe:  
In faith, they are as true of heart as we.  
My father had a daughter loved women,  
As it might be, perhaps, were I a woman.

**DUKE ORSINO  
** And what's her history?

**VIOLA  
** A blank, my lord. She never told her love,  
But let concealment, like a worm i' the bud,  
Feed on her damask cheek: she pined in thought,  
And with a green and yellow melancholy  
She sat like patience on a monument,  
Smiling at grief. Was not this love indeed?  
We men may say more, swear more: but indeed  
Our shows are more than will; for still we prove  
Much in our vows, but little in our love.

**DUKE ORSINO  
** But died thy sister of her love, my boy?

**VIOLA  
** I am all the daughters of my father's house,  
And all the brothers too: and yet I know not.  
Sir, shall I to this lady?

**DUKE ORSINO  
** Ay, that's the theme.  
To her in haste; give her this jewel; say,  
My love can give no place, bide no denay.

_ Exeunt _


	10. Act II Scene V

###  **SCENE V. OLIVIA's garden.**

_ Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW, and FABIAN _

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Come thy ways, Signior Fabian.

**FABIAN  
** Nay, I'll come: if I lose a scruple of this sport,  
let me be boiled to death with melancholy.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Wouldst thou not be glad to have the niggardly  
rascally sheep-biter come by some notable shame?

**FABIAN  
** I would exult, man: you know, he brought me out o'  
favour with my lady about a bear-baiting here.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** To anger him we'll have the bear again; and we will  
fool him black and blue: shall we not, Sir Andrew?

**SIR ANDREW  
** An we do not, it is pity of our lives.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Here comes the little villain.

_ Enter MARIA _

How now, my metal of India!

**MARIA  
** Get ye all three into the box-tree: Malvolio's  
coming down this walk: he has been yonder i' the  
sun practising behavior to his own shadow this half  
hour: observe him, for the love of mockery; for I  
know this letter will make a contemplative idiot of  
him. Close, in the name of jesting! Lie thou there,  
_ Throws down a letter  
_ for here comes the trout that must be caught with tickling.

_ Exit _

_ Enter MALVOLIO _

**MALVOLIO  
** 'Tis but fortune; all is fortune. Maria once told  
me she did affect me: and I have heard herself come  
thus near, that, should she fancy, it should be one  
of my complexion. Besides, she uses me with a more  
exalted respect than any one else that follows her.  
What should I think on't?

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Here's an overweening rogue!

**FABIAN  
** O, peace! Contemplation makes a rare turkey-cock  
of him: how he jets under his advanced plumes!

**SIR ANDREW  
** 'Slight, I could so beat the rogue!

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Peace, I say.

**MALVOLIO  
** To be Count Malvolio!

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Ah, rogue!

**SIR ANDREW  
** Pistol him, pistol him.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Peace, peace!

**MALVOLIO  
** There is example for't; the lady of the Strachy  
married the yeoman of the wardrobe.

**SIR ANDREW  
** Fie on him, Jezebel!

**FABIAN  
** O, peace! now he's deeply in: look how  
imagination blows him.

**MALVOLIO  
** Having been three months married to her, sitting in  
my state,--

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** O, for a stone-bow, to hit him in the eye!

**MALVOLIO  
** Calling my officers about me, in my branched velvet  
gown; having come from a day-bed, where I have left  
Olivia sleeping,--

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Fire and brimstone!

**FABIAN  
** O, peace, peace!

**MALVOLIO  
** And then to have the humour of state; and after a  
demure travel of regard, telling them I know my  
place as I would they should do theirs, to for my  
kinsman Toby,--

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Bolts and shackles!

**FABIAN  
** O peace, peace, peace! now, now.

**MALVOLIO  
** Seven of my people, with an obedient start, make  
out for him: I frown the while; and perchance wind  
up watch, or play with my--some rich jewel. Toby  
approaches; courtesies there to me,--

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Shall this fellow live?

**FABIAN  
** Though our silence be drawn from us with cars, yet peace.

**MALVOLIO  
** I extend my hand to him thus, quenching my familiar  
smile with an austere regard of control,--

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** And does not Toby take you a blow o' the lips then?

**MALVOLIO  
** Saying, 'Cousin Toby, my fortunes having cast me on  
your niece give me this prerogative of speech,'--

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** What, what?

**MALVOLIO  
** 'You must amend your drunkenness.'

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Out, scab!

**FABIAN  
** Nay, patience, or we break the sinews of our plot.

**MALVOLIO  
** 'Besides, you waste the treasure of your time with  
a foolish knight,'--

**SIR ANDREW  
** That's me, I warrant you.

**MALVOLIO  
** 'One Sir Andrew,'--

**SIR ANDREW  
** I knew 'twas I; for many do call me fool.

**MALVOLIO  
** What employment have we here?

_ Taking up the letter _

**FABIAN  
** Now is the woodcock near the gin.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** O, peace! and the spirit of humour intimate reading  
aloud to him!

**MALVOLIO  
** By my life, this is my lady's hand these be her  
very C's, her U's and her T's and thus makes she her  
great P's. It is, in contempt of question, her hand.

**SIR ANDREW  
** Her C's, her U's and her T's: why that?

**MALVOLIO  
** [Reads] 'To the unknown beloved, this, and my good  
wishes:'--her very phrases! By your leave, wax.  
Soft! and the impressure her Lucrece, with which she  
uses to seal: 'tis my lady. To whom should this be?

**FABIAN  
** This wins him, liver and all.

**MALVOLIO  
** [Reads]  
Jove knows I love: But who?  
Lips, do not move;  
No man must know.  
'No man must know.' What follows? the numbers  
altered! 'No man must know:' if this should be  
thee, Malvolio?

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Marry, hang thee, brock!

**MALVOLIO  
** [Reads]  
I may command where I adore;  
But silence, like a Lucrece knife,  
With bloodless stroke my heart doth gore:  
M, O, A, I, doth sway my life.

**FABIAN  
** A fustian riddle!

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Excellent wench, say I.

**MALVOLIO  
** 'M, O, A, I, doth sway my life.' Nay, but first, let  
me see, let me see, let me see.

**FABIAN  
** What dish o' poison has she dressed him!

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** And with what wing the staniel cheques at it!

**MALVOLIO  
** 'I may command where I adore.' Why, she may command  
me: I serve her; she is my lady. Why, this is  
evident to any formal capacity; there is no  
obstruction in this: and the end,--what should  
that alphabetical position portend? If I could make  
that resemble something in me,--Softly! M, O, A,  
I,--

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** O, ay, make up that: he is now at a cold scent.

**FABIAN  
** Sowter will cry upon't for all this, though it be as  
rank as a fox.

**MALVOLIO  
** M,--Malvolio; M,--why, that begins my name.

**FABIAN  
** Did not I say he would work it out? the cur is  
excellent at faults.

**MALVOLIO  
** M,--but then there is no consonancy in the sequel;  
that suffers under probation A should follow but O does.

**FABIAN  
** And O shall end, I hope.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Ay, or I'll cudgel him, and make him cry O!

**MALVOLIO  
** And then I comes behind.

**FABIAN  
** Ay, an you had any eye behind you, you might see  
more detraction at your heels than fortunes before  
you.

**MALVOLIO  
** M, O, A, I; this simulation is not as the former: and  
yet, to crush this a little, it would bow to me, for  
every one of these letters are in my name. Soft!  
here follows prose.  
__ Reads  
'If this fall into thy hand, revolve. In my stars I  
am above thee; but be not afraid of greatness: some  
are born great, some achieve greatness, and some  
have greatness thrust upon 'em. Thy Fates open  
their hands; let thy blood and spirit embrace them;  
and, to inure thyself to what thou art like to be,  
cast thy humble slough and appear fresh. Be  
opposite with a kinsman, surly with servants; let  
thy tongue tang arguments of state; put thyself into  
the trick of singularity: she thus advises thee  
that sighs for thee. Remember who commended thy  
yellow stockings, and wished to see thee ever  
cross-gartered: I say, remember. Go to, thou art  
made, if thou desirest to be so; if not, let me see  
thee a steward still, the fellow of servants, and  
not worthy to touch Fortune's fingers. Farewell.  
She that would alter services with thee,  
THE FORTUNATE-UNHAPPY.'  
[not reading]  
Daylight and champaign discovers not more: this is  
open. I will be proud, I will read politic authors,  
I will baffle Sir Toby, I will wash off gross  
acquaintance, I will be point-devise the very man.  
I do not now fool myself, to let imagination jade  
me; for every reason excites to this, that my lady  
loves me. She did commend my yellow stockings of  
late, she did praise my leg being cross-gartered;  
and in this she manifests herself to my love, and  
with a kind of injunction drives me to these habits  
of her liking. I thank my stars I am happy. I will  
be strange, stout, in yellow stockings, and  
cross-gartered, even with the swiftness of putting  
Jove and my stars be praised! Here is yet a  
postscript.  
__ Reads  
'Thou canst not choose but know who I am. If thou  
entertainest my love, let it appear in thy smiling;  
thy smiles become thee well; therefore in my  
presence still smile, dear my sweet, I prithee.'  
Jove, I thank thee: I will smile; I will do  
everything that thou wilt have me.

_ Exit _

**FABIAN  
** I will not give my part of this sport for a pension  
of thousands to be paid from the Sophy.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** I could marry this wench for this device.

**SIR ANDREW  
** So could I too.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** And ask no other dowry with her but such another jest.

**SIR ANDREW  
** Nor I neither.

**FABIAN  
** Here comes my noble gull-catcher.

_ Re-enter MARIA _

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Wilt thou set thy foot o' my neck?

**SIR ANDREW  
** Or o' mine either?

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Shall I play my freedom at traytrip, and become thy  
bond-slave?

**SIR ANDREW  
** I' faith, or I either?

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Why, thou hast put him in such a dream, that when  
the image of it leaves him he must run mad.

**MARIA  
** Nay, but say true; does it work upon him?

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Like aqua-vitae with a midwife.

**MARIA  
** If you will then see the fruits of the sport, mark  
his first approach before my lady: he will come to  
her in yellow stockings, and 'tis a colour she  
abhors, and cross-gartered, a fashion she detests;  
and he will smile upon her, which will now be so  
unsuitable to her disposition, being addicted to a  
melancholy as she is, that it cannot but turn him  
into a notable contempt. If you will see it, follow  
me.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** To the gates of Tartar, thou most excellent devil of wit!

**SIR ANDREW  
** I'll make one too.

_ Exeunt _


	11. Act III Scene I

###  **SCENE I. OLIVIA's garden.**

_ Enter VIOLA, and Clown with a tabour _

**VIOLA  
** Save thee, friend, and thy music: dost thou live by  
thy tabour?

**Clown  
** No, sir, I live by the church.

**VIOLA  
** Art thou a churchman?

**Clown  
** No such matter, sir: I do live by the church; for  
I do live at my house, and my house doth stand by  
the church.

**VIOLA  
** So thou mayst say, the king lies by a beggar, if a  
beggar dwell near him; or, the church stands by thy  
tabour, if thy tabour stand by the church.

**Clown  
** You have said, sir. To see this age! A sentence is  
but a cheveril glove to a good wit: how quickly the  
wrong side may be turned outward!

**VIOLA  
** Nay, that's certain; they that dally nicely with  
words may quickly make them wanton.

**Clown  
** I would, therefore, my sister had had no name, sir.

**VIOLA  
** Why, man?

**Clown  
** Why, sir, her name's a word; and to dally with that  
word might make my sister wanton. But indeed words  
are very rascals since bonds disgraced them.

**VIOLA  
** Thy reason, man?

**Clown  
** Troth, sir, I can yield you none without words; and  
words are grown so false, I am loath to prove  
reason with them.

**VIOLA  
** I warrant thou art a merry fellow and carest for nothing.

**Clown  
** Not so, sir, I do care for something; but in my  
conscience, sir, I do not care for you: if that be  
to care for nothing, sir, I would it would make you invisible.

**VIOLA  
** Art not thou the Lady Olivia's fool?

**Clown  
** No, indeed, sir; the Lady Olivia has no folly: she  
will keep no fool, sir, till she be married; and  
fools are as like husbands as pilchards are to  
herrings; the husband's the bigger: I am indeed not  
her fool, but her corrupter of words.

**VIOLA  
** I saw thee late at the Count Orsino's.

**Clown  
** Foolery, sir, does walk about the orb like the sun,  
it shines every where. I would be sorry, sir, but  
the fool should be as oft with your master as with  
my mistress: I think I saw your wisdom there.

**VIOLA  
** Nay, an thou pass upon me, I'll no more with thee.  
Hold, there's expenses for thee.

**Clown  
** Now Jove, in his next commodity of hair, send thee a bush!

**VIOLA  
** By my troth, I'll tell thee, I am almost sick for  
one;  _ (Aside)  _ and I would even have it affixed to my face  
_ ( _ _ I’m imagining a cunnilingus gesture here.  It’s not like Shakespeare’s above dick humor; I’m just introducing twat humor.)  
_ Is thy lady within?

**Clown  
** Would not a pair of these have bred, sir?

**VIOLA  
** Yes, being kept together and put to use.

**Clown  
** I would play Lord Pandarus of Phrygia, sir, to bring  
a Cressida to this Troilus.

**VIOLA  
** I understand you, sir; 'tis well begged.

**Clown  
** The matter, I hope, is not great, sir, begging but  
a beggar: Cressida was a beggar. My lady is  
within, sir. I will construe to them whence you  
come; who you are and what you would are out of my  
welkin, I might say 'element,' but the word is over-worn.

_ Exit _

**VIOLA  
** This fellow is wise enough to play the fool;  
And to do that well craves a kind of wit:  
He must observe their mood on whom he jests,  
The quality of persons, and the time,  
And, like the haggard, cheque at every feather  
That comes before his eye. This is a practise  
As full of labour as a wise man's art  
For folly that he wisely shows is fit;  
But wise men, folly-fall'n, quite taint their wit.

_ Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, and SIR ANDREW _

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Save you, gentleman.

**VIOLA  
** And you, sir.

**SIR ANDREW  
** Dieu vous garde, monsieur.

**VIOLA  
** Et vous aussi; votre serviteur.

**SIR ANDREW  
** I hope, sir, you are; and I am yours.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Will you encounter the house? my niece is desirous  
you should enter, if your trade be to her.

**VIOLA  
** I am bound to your niece, sir; I mean, she is the  
list of my voyage.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Taste your legs, sir; put them to motion.

**VIOLA  
** My legs do better understand me, sir, than I  
understand what you mean by bidding me taste my legs.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** I mean, to go, sir, to enter.

**VIOLA  
** I will answer you with gait and entrance. But we  
are prevented.

_ Enter OLIVIA and MARIA _

Most excellent accomplished lady, the heavens rain  
odours on you!

**SIR ANDREW  
** That youth's a rare courtier: 'Rain odours;' well.

**VIOLA  
** My matter hath no voice, to your own most pregnant  
and vouchsafed ear.

**SIR ANDREW  
** 'Odours,' 'pregnant' and 'vouchsafed:' I'll get 'em  
all three all ready.

**OLIVIA  
** Let the garden door be shut, and leave me to my hearing.

_ Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW, and MARIA _

Give me your hand, sir.

**VIOLA  
** My duty, madam, and most humble service.

**OLIVIA  
** What is your name?

**VIOLA  
** Cesario is your servant's name, fair princess.

**OLIVIA  
** My servant, sir! 'Twas never merry world  
Since lowly feigning was call'd compliment:  
You're servant to the Count Orsino, youth.

**VIOLA  
** And he is yours, and his must needs be yours:  
Your servant's servant is your servant, madam.

**OLIVIA  
** For him, I think not on him: for his thoughts,  
Would they were blanks, rather than fill'd with me!

**VIOLA  
** Madam, I come to whet your gentle thoughts  
On his behalf.

**OLIVIA  
** O, by your leave, I pray you,  
I bade you never speak again of him:  
But, would you undertake another suit,  
I had rather hear you to solicit that  
Than music from the spheres.

**VIOLA  
** Dear lady,--

**OLIVIA  
** Give me leave, beseech you. I did send,  
After the last enchantment you did here,  
A ring in chase of you: so did I abuse  
Myself, my servant and, I fear me, you:  
Under your hard construction must I sit,  
To force that on you, in a shameful cunning,  
Which you knew none of yours: what might you think?  
Have you not set mine honour at the stake  
And baited it with all the unmuzzled thoughts  
That tyrannous heart can think? To one of your receiving  
Enough is shown: a cypress, not a bosom,  
Hideth my heart. So, let me hear you speak.

**VIOLA  
** I pity you.

**OLIVIA  
** That's a degree to love.

**VIOLA  
** No, not a grize; for 'tis a vulgar proof,  
That very oft we pity enemies.

**OLIVIA  
** Why, then, methinks 'tis time to smile again.  
O, world, how apt the poor are to be proud!  
If one should be a prey, how much the better  
To fall before the lion than the wolf!  
__ Clock strikes  
The clock upbraids me with the waste of time.  
Be not afraid, good youth, I will not have you:  
And yet, when wit and youth is come to harvest,  
Your were is alike to reap a proper man:  
There lies your way, due west.

**VIOLA  
** Then westward-ho! Grace and good disposition  
Attend your ladyship!  
You'll nothing, madam, to my lord by me?

**OLIVIA  
** Stay:  
I prithee, tell me what thou thinkest of me.

**VIOLA  
** That you do think you are not what you are.

**OLIVIA  
** If I think so, I think the same of you.

**VIOLA  
** Then think you right: I am not what I am.

**OLIVIA  
** I would you were as I would have you be!

**VIOLA  
** Would it be better, madam, than I am?  
I wish it might, for now I am your fool.

**OLIVIA  
** O, what a deal of scorn looks beautiful  
In the contempt and anger of his lip!  
A murderous guilt shows not itself more soon  
Than love that would seem hid: love's night is noon.  
Cesario, by the roses of the spring,  
By maidhood, honour, truth and every thing,  
I love thee so, that, maugre all thy pride,  
Nor wit nor reason can my passion hide.  
Do not extort thy reasons from this clause,  
For that I woo, thou therefore hast no cause,  
But rather reason thus with reason fetter,  
Love sought is good, but given unsought better.

**VIOLA  
** By innocence I swear, and by my youth  
I have one heart, one bosom and one truth,  
And that is that you shall never love me,  
And with clear eyes, never my mistress be.  
And so adieu, good madam: never more  
Will I my master's tears to you deplore.

**OLIVIA  
** Yet come again; for thou perhaps mayst move  
That heart, which now abhors, to like his love.

_ Exeunt _


	12. Act III Scene II

###  **SCENE II. OLIVIA's house.**

_ Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW, and FABIAN _

**SIR ANDREW  
** No, faith, I'll not stay a jot longer.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Thy reason, dear venom, give thy reason.

**FABIAN  
** You must needs yield your reason, Sir Andrew.

**SIR ANDREW  
** Marry, I saw your niece do more favours to the  
count's serving-man than ever she bestowed upon me;  
I saw't i' the orchard.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Did she see thee the while, old boy? tell me that.

**SIR ANDREW  
** As plain as I see you now.

**FABIAN  
** This was a great argument of love in her toward you.

**SIR ANDREW  
** 'Slight, will you make an ass o' me?

**FABIAN  
** I will prove it legitimate, sir, upon the oaths of  
judgment and reason.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** And they have been grand-jury-men since before Noah  
was a sailor.

**FABIAN  
** She did show favour to the youth in your sight only  
to exasperate you, to awake your dormouse valour, to  
put fire in your heart and brimstone in your liver.  
You should then have accosted her; and with some  
excellent jests, fire-new from the mint, you should  
have banged the youth into dumbness. This was  
looked for at your hand, and this was balked: the  
double gilt of this opportunity you let time wash  
off, and you are now sailed into the north of my  
lady's opinion; where you will hang like an icicle  
on a Dutchman's beard, unless you do redeem it by  
some laudable attempt either of valour or policy.

**SIR ANDREW  
** An't be any way, it must be with valour; for policy  
I hate: I had as lief be a Brownist as a  
politician.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Why, then, build me thy fortunes upon the basis of  
valour. Challenge me the count's youth to fight  
with him; hurt him in eleven places: my niece shall  
take note of it; and assure thyself, there is no  
love-broker in the world can more prevail in man's  
commendation with woman than report of valour.

**FABIAN  
** There is no way but this, Sir Andrew.

**SIR ANDREW  
** Will either of you bear me a challenge to him?

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Go, write it in a martial hand; be curst and brief;  
it is no matter how witty, so it be eloquent and fun  
of invention: taunt him with the licence of ink:  
if thou thou'st him some thrice, it shall not be  
amiss; and as many lies as will lie in thy sheet of  
paper, although the sheet were big enough for the  
bed of Ware in England, set 'em down: go, about it.  
Let there be gall enough in thy ink, though thou  
write with a goose-pen, no matter: about it.

**SIR ANDREW  
** Where shall I find you?

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** We'll call thee at the cubiculo: go.  


_ Exit SIR ANDREW _

**FABIAN  
** This is a dear manikin to you, Sir Toby.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** I have been dear to him, lad, some two thousand  
strong, or so.

**FABIAN  
** We shall have a rare letter from him: but you'll  
not deliver't?

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Never trust me, then; and by all means stir on the  
youth to an answer. I think oxen and wainropes  
cannot hale them together. For Andrew, if he were  
opened, and you find so much blood in his liver as  
will clog the foot of a flea, I'll eat the rest of  
the anatomy.

**FABIAN  
** And his opposite, the youth, bears in his visage no  
great presage of cruelty.

_ Enter MARIA _

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Look, where the youngest wren of nine comes.

**MARIA  
** If you desire the spleen, and will laugh yourself  
into stitches, follow me. Yond gull Malvolio is  
turned heathen, a very renegado; for there is no  
Christian, that means to be saved by believing  
rightly, can ever believe such impossible passages  
of grossness. He's in yellow stockings.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** And cross-gartered?

**MARIA  
** Most villanously; like a pedant that keeps a school  
i' the church. I have dogged him, like his  
murderer. He does obey every point of the letter  
that I dropped to betray him: he does smile his  
face into more lines than is in the new map with the  
augmentation of the Indies: you have not seen such  
a thing as 'tis. I can hardly forbear hurling things  
at him. I know my lady will strike him: if she do,  
he'll smile and take't for a great favour.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Come, bring us, bring us where he is.

_ Exeunt _


	13. Act III Scene III

###  **SCENE III. A street.**

_ Enter SEBASTIAN and ANTONIO _

**SEBASTIAN  
** I would not by my will have troubled you;  
But, since you make your pleasure of your pains,  
I will no further chide you.

**ANTONIO  
** I could not stay behind you: my desire,  
More sharp than filed steel, did spur me forth;  
And not all love to see you, though so much  
As might have drawn one to a longer voyage,  
But jealousy what might befall your travel,  
Being skilless in these parts; which to a stranger,  
Unguided and unfriended, often prove  
Rough and unhospitable: my willing love,  
The rather by these arguments of fear,  
Set forth in your pursuit.

**SEBASTIAN  
** My kind Antonio,  
I can no other answer make but thanks,  
And thanks; and ever [ ] oft good turns  
Are shuffled off with such uncurrent pay:  
But, were my worth as is my conscience firm,  
You should find better dealing. What's to do?  
Shall we go see the reliques of this town?

**ANTONIO  
** To-morrow, sir: best first go see your lodging.

**SEBASTIAN  
** I am not weary, and 'tis long to night:  
I pray you, let us satisfy our eyes  
With the memorials and the things of fame  
That do renown this city.

**ANTONIO  
** Would you'ld pardon me;  
I do not without danger walk these streets:  
Once, in a sea-fight, 'gainst the count his galleys  
I did some service; of such note indeed,  
That were I ta'en here it would scarce be answer'd.

**SEBASTIAN  
** Belike you slew great number of his people.

**ANTONIO  
** The offence is not of such a bloody nature;  
Albeit the quality of the time and quarrel  
Might well have given us bloody argument.  
It might have since been answer'd in repaying  
What we took from them; which, for traffic's sake,  
Most of our city did: only myself stood out;  
For which, if I be lapsed in this place,  
I shall pay dear.

**SEBASTIAN  
** Do not then walk too open.

**ANTONIO  
** It doth not fit me. Hold, sir, here's my purse.  
In the south suburbs, at the Elephant,  
Is best to lodge: I will bespeak our diet,  
Whiles you beguile the time and feed your knowledge  
With viewing of the town: there shall you have me.

**SEBASTIAN  
** Why I your purse?

**ANTONIO  
** Haply your eye shall light upon some toy  
You have desire to purchase; and your store,  
I think, is not for idle markets, sir.

**SEBASTIAN  
** I'll be your purse-bearer and leave you  
For an hour.

**ANTONIO  
** To the Elephant.

**SEBASTIAN  
** I do remember.

_ Exeunt _


	14. Act III Scene IV

###  **SCENE IV. OLIVIA's garden.**

_ Enter OLIVIA and MARIA _

**OLIVIA  
** I have sent after him: he says he'll come;  
How shall I feast him? what bestow of him?  
For youth is bought more oft than begg'd or borrow'd.  
I speak too loud.  
Where is Malvolio? he is sad and civil,  
And suits well for a servant with my fortunes:  
Where is Malvolio?

**MARIA  
** He's coming, madam; but in very strange manner. He  
is, sure, possessed, madam.

**OLIVIA  
** Why, what's the matter? does he rave?

**MARIA  
** No. madam, he does nothing but smile: your  
ladyship were best to have some guard about you, if  
he come; for, sure, the man is tainted in's wits.

**OLIVIA  
** Go call him hither.  
_ Exit MARIA  
_ I am as mad as he,  
If sad and merry madness equal be.  
_ Re-enter MARIA, with MALVOLIO  
_ How now, Malvolio!

**MALVOLIO  
** Sweet lady, ho, ho.

**OLIVIA  
** Smilest thou?  
I sent for thee upon a sad occasion.

**MALVOLIO  
** Sad, lady! I could be sad: this does make some  
obstruction in the blood, this cross-gartering; but  
what of that? if it please the eye of one, it is  
with me as the very true sonnet is, 'Please one, and  
please all.'

**OLIVIA  
** Why, how dost thou, man? what is the matter with thee?

**MALVOLIO  
** Not black in my mind, though yellow in my legs. It  
did come to his hands, and commands shall be  
executed: I think we do know the sweet Roman hand.

**OLIVIA  
** Wilt thou go to bed, Malvolio?

**MALVOLIO  
** To bed! ay, sweet-heart, and I'll come to thee.

**OLIVIA  
** God comfort thee! Why dost thou smile so and kiss  
thy hand so oft?

**MARIA  
** How do you, Malvolio?

**MALVOLIO  
** At your request! yes; nightingales answer daws.

**MARIA  
** Why appear you with this ridiculous boldness before my lady?

**MALVOLIO  
** 'Be not afraid of greatness:' 'twas well writ.

**OLIVIA  
** What meanest thou by that, Malvolio?

**MALVOLIO  
** 'Some are born great,'--

**OLIVIA  
** Ha!

**MALVOLIO  
** 'Some achieve greatness,'--

**OLIVIA  
** What sayest thou?

**MALVOLIO  
** 'And some have greatness thrust upon them.'

**OLIVIA  
** Heaven restore thee!

**MALVOLIO  
** 'Remember who commended thy yellow stocking s,'--

**OLIVIA  
** Thy yellow stockings!

**MALVOLIO  
** 'And wished to see thee cross-gartered.'

**OLIVIA  
** Cross-gartered!

**MALVOLIO  
** 'Go to thou art made, if thou desirest to be so;'--

**OLIVIA  
** Am I made?

**MALVOLIO  
** 'If not, let me see thee a servant still.'

**OLIVIA  
** Why, this is very midsummer madness.

_ Enter Servant _

**Servant  
** Madam, the young gentleman of the Count Orsino's is  
returned: I could hardly entreat him back: he  
attends your ladyship's pleasure.

**OLIVIA  
** I'll come to him.  
_ Exit Servant  
_ Good Maria, let this fellow be looked to. Where's  
my cousin Toby? Let some of my people have a special  
care of him: I would not have him miscarry for the  
half of my dowry.

_ Exeunt OLIVIA and MARIA _

**MALVOLIO  
** O, ho! do you come near me now? no worse man than  
Sir Toby to look to me! This concurs directly with  
the letter: she sends him on purpose, that I may  
appear stubborn to him; for she incites me to that  
in the letter. 'Cast thy humble slough,' says she;  
'be opposite with a kinsman, surly with servants;  
let thy tongue tang with arguments of state; put  
thyself into the trick of singularity;' and  
consequently sets down the manner how; as, a sad  
face, a reverend carriage, a slow tongue, in the  
habit of some sir of note, and so forth. I have  
limed her; but it is Jove's doing, and Jove make me  
thankful! And when she went away now, 'Let this  
fellow be looked to:' fellow! not Malvolio, nor  
after my degree, but fellow. Why, every thing  
adheres together, that no dram of a scruple, no  
scruple of a scruple, no obstacle, no incredulous  
or unsafe circumstance--What can be said? Nothing  
that can be can come between me and the full  
prospect of my hopes. Well, Jove, not I, is the  
doer of this, and he is to be thanked.

_ Re-enter MARIA, with SIR TOBY BELCH and FABIAN _

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Which way is he, in the name of sanctity? If all  
the devils of hell be drawn in little, and Legion  
himself possessed him, yet I'll speak to him.

**FABIAN  
** Here he is, here he is. How is't with you, sir?  
how is't with you, man?

**MALVOLIO  
** Go off; I discard you: let me enjoy my private: go  
off.

**MARIA  
** Lo, how hollow the fiend speaks within him! did not  
I tell you? Sir Toby, my lady prays you to have a  
care of him.

**MALVOLIO  
** Ah, ha! does she so?

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Go to, go to; peace, peace; we must deal gently  
with him: let me alone. How do you, Malvolio? how  
is't with you? What, man! defy the devil:  
consider, he's an enemy to mankind.

**MALVOLIO  
** Do you know what you say?

**MARIA  
** La you, an you speak ill of the devil, how he takes  
it at heart! Pray God, he be not bewitched!

**FABIAN  
** Carry his water to the wise woman.

**MARIA  
** Marry, and it shall be done to-morrow morning, if I  
live. My lady would not lose him for more than I'll say.

**MALVOLIO  
** How now, mistress!

**MARIA  
** O Lord!

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Prithee, hold thy peace; this is not the way: do  
you not see you move him? let me alone with him.

**FABIAN  
** No way but gentleness; gently, gently: the fiend is  
rough, and will not be roughly used.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Why, how now, my bawcock! how dost thou, chuck?

**MALVOLIO  
** Sir!

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Ay, Biddy, come with me. What, man! 'tis not for  
gravity to play at cherry-pit with Satan: hang  
him, foul collier!

**MARIA  
** Get him to say his prayers, good Sir Toby, get him to pray.

**MALVOLIO  
** My prayers, minx!

**MARIA  
** No, I warrant you, he will not hear of godliness.

**MALVOLIO  
** Go, hang yourselves all! you are idle shallow  
things: I am not of your element: you shall know  
more hereafter.

_ Exit _

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Is't possible?

**FABIAN  
** If this were played upon a stage now, I could  
condemn it as an improbable fiction.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** His very genius hath taken the infection of the device, man.

**MARIA  
** Nay, pursue him now, lest the device take air and taint.

**FABIAN  
** Why, we shall make him mad indeed.

**MARIA  
** The house will be the quieter.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Come, we'll have him in a dark room and bound. My  
niece is already in the belief that he's mad: we  
may carry it thus, for our pleasure and his penance,  
till our very pastime, tired out of breath, prompt  
us to have mercy on him: at which time we will  
bring the device to the bar and crown thee for a  
finder of madmen. But see, but see.

_ Enter SIR ANDREW _

**FABIAN  
** More matter for a May morning.

**SIR ANDREW  
** Here's the challenge, read it: warrant there's  
vinegar and pepper in't.

**FABIAN  
** Is't so saucy?

**SIR ANDREW  
** Ay, is't, I warrant him: do but read.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Give me.  
_ Reads  
_ 'Youth, whatsoever thou art, thou art but a scurvy fellow.'

**FABIAN  
** Good, and valiant.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** [Reads] 'Wonder not, nor admire not in thy mind,  
why I do call thee so, for I will show thee no reason for't.'

**FABIAN  
** A good note; that keeps you from the blow of the law.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** [Reads] 'Thou comest to the lady Olivia, and in my  
sight she uses thee kindly: but thou liest in thy  
throat; that is not the matter I challenge thee for.'

**FABIAN  
** Very brief, and to exceeding good sense--less.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** [Reads] 'I will waylay thee going home; where if it  
be thy chance to kill me,'--

**FABIAN  
** Good.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** [Reads] 'Thou killest me like a rogue and a villain.'

**FABIAN  
** Still you keep o' the windy side of the law: good.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** [Reads] 'Fare thee well; and God have mercy upon  
one of our souls! He may have mercy upon mine; but  
my hope is better, and so look to thyself. Thy  
friend, as thou usest him, and thy sworn enemy,  
ANDREW AGUECHEEK.  
If this letter move him not, his legs cannot:  
I'll give't him.

**MARIA  
** You may have very fit occasion for't: he is now in  
some commerce with my lady, and will by and by depart.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Go, Sir Andrew: scout me for him at the corner the  
orchard like a bum-baily: so soon as ever thou seest  
him, draw; and, as thou drawest swear horrible; for  
it comes to pass oft that a terrible oath, with a  
swaggering accent sharply twanged off, gives manhood  
more approbation than ever proof itself would have  
earned him. Away!

**SIR ANDREW  
** Nay, let me alone for swearing.

_ Exit _

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Now will not I deliver his letter: for the behavior  
of the young gentleman gives him out to be of good  
capacity and breeding; his employment between his  
lord and my niece confirms no less: therefore this  
letter, being so excellently ignorant, will breed no  
terror in the youth: he will find it comes from a  
clodpole. But, sir, I will deliver his challenge by  
word of mouth; set upon Aguecheek a notable report  
of valour; and drive the gentleman, as I know his  
youth will aptly receive it, into a most hideous  
opinion of his rage, skill, fury and impetuosity.  
This will so fright them both that they will kill  
one another by the look, like cockatrices.

_ Re-enter OLIVIA, with VIOLA _

**FABIAN  
** Here he comes with your niece: give them way till  
he take leave, and presently after him.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** I will meditate the while upon some horrid message  
for a challenge.

_ Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH, FABIAN, and MARIA _

**OLIVIA  
** I have said too much unto a heart of stone  
And laid mine honour too unchary out:  
There's something in me that reproves my fault;  
But such a headstrong potent fault it is,  
That it but mocks reproof.

**VIOLA  
** With the same 'havior that your passion bears  
Goes on my master's grief.

**OLIVIA  
** Here, wear this jewel for me, 'tis my picture;  
Refuse it not; it hath no tongue to vex you;  
And I beseech you come again to-morrow.  
What shall you ask of me that I'll deny,  
That honour saved may upon asking give?

**VIOLA  
** Nothing but this; your true love for my master.

**OLIVIA  
** How with mine honour may I give him that  
Which I have given to you?

**VIOLA  
** I will acquit you.

**OLIVIA  
** Well, come again to-morrow: fare thee well:  
A fiend like thee might bear my soul to hell.

_ Exit _

_ Re-enter SIR TOBY BELCH and FABIAN _

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Gentleman, God save thee.

**VIOLA  
** And you, sir.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** That defence thou hast, betake thee to't: of what  
nature the wrongs are thou hast done him, I know  
not; but thy intercepter, full of despite, bloody as  
the hunter, attends thee at the orchard-end:  
dismount thy tuck, be yare in thy preparation, for  
thy assailant is quick, skilful and deadly.

**VIOLA  
** You mistake, sir; I am sure no man hath any quarrel  
to me: my remembrance is very free and clear from  
any image of offence done to any man.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** You'll find it otherwise, I assure you: therefore,  
if you hold your life at any price, betake you to  
your guard; for your opposite hath in him what  
youth, strength, skill and wrath can furnish man withal.

**VIOLA  
** I pray you, sir, what is he?

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** He is knight, dubbed with unhatched rapier and on  
carpet consideration; but he is a devil in private  
brawl: souls and bodies hath he divorced three; and  
his incensement at this moment is so implacable,  
that satisfaction can be none but by pangs of death  
and sepulchre. Hob, nob, is his word; give't or take't.

**VIOLA  
** I will return again into the house and desire some  
conduct of the lady. I am no fighter. I have heard  
of some kind of men that put quarrels purposely on  
others, to taste their valour: belike this is a man  
of that quirk.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Sir, no; his indignation derives itself out of a  
very competent injury: therefore, get you on and  
give him his desire. Back you shall not to the  
house, unless you undertake that with me which with  
as much safety you might answer him: therefore, on,  
or strip your sword stark naked; for meddle you  
must, that's certain, or forswear to wear iron about you.

**VIOLA  
** This is as uncivil as strange. I beseech you, do me  
this courteous office, as to know of the knight what  
my offence to him is: it is something of my  
negligence, nothing of my purpose.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** I will do so. Signior Fabian, stay you by this  
gentleman till my return.

_ Exit _

**VIOLA  
** Pray you, sir, do you know of this matter?

**FABIAN  
** I know the knight is incensed against you, even to a  
mortal arbitrement; but nothing of the circumstance more.

**VIOLA  
** I beseech you, what manner of man is he?

**FABIAN  
** Nothing of that wonderful promise, to read him by  
his form, as you are like to find him in the proof  
of his valour. He is, indeed, sir, the most skilful,  
bloody and fatal opposite that you could possibly  
have found in any part of Illyria. Will you walk  
towards him? I will make your peace with him if I  
can.

**VIOLA  
** I shall be much bound to you for't: I am one that  
had rather go with sir priest than sir knight: I  
care not who knows so much of my mettle.

_ Exeunt _

_ Re-enter SIR TOBY BELCH, with SIR ANDREW _

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Why, man, he's a very devil; I have not seen such a  
firago. I had a pass with him, rapier, scabbard and  
all, and he gives me the stuck in with such a mortal  
motion, that it is inevitable; and on the answer, he  
pays you as surely as your feet hit the ground they  
step on. They say he has been fencer to the Sophy.

**SIR ANDREW  
** Pox on't, I'll not meddle with him.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Ay, but he will not now be pacified: Fabian can  
scarce hold him yonder.

**SIR ANDREW  
** Plague on't, an I thought he had been valiant and so  
cunning in fence, I'ld have seen him damned ere I'ld  
have challenged him. Let him let the matter slip,  
and I'll give him my horse, grey Capilet.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** I'll make the motion: stand here, make a good show  
on't: this shall end without the perdition of souls.  
_ Aside  
_ Marry, I'll ride your horse as well as I ride you.  
_ Re-enter FABIAN and VIOLA  
_ _ To FABIAN  
_ I have his horse to take up the quarrel:  
I have persuaded him the youth's a devil.

**FABIAN  
** He is as horribly conceited of him; and pants and  
looks pale, as if a bear were at his heels.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** [To VIOLA] There's no remedy, sir; he will fight  
with you for's oath sake: marry, he hath better  
bethought him of his quarrel, and he finds that now  
scarce to be worth talking of: therefore draw, for  
the supportance of his vow; he protests he will not hurt you.

**VIOLA  
** [Aside] Pray God defend me! A little thing would  
make me tell them how much I lack of a man.

**FABIAN  
** Give ground, if you see him furious.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Come, Sir Andrew, there's no remedy; the gentleman  
will, for his honour's sake, have one bout with you;  
he cannot by the duello avoid it: but he has  
promised me, as he is a gentleman and a soldier, he  
will not hurt you. Come on; to't.

**SIR ANDREW  
** Pray God, he keep his oath!

**VIOLA  
** I do assure you, 'tis against my will.

_ They draw _

_ Enter ANTONIO _

**ANTONIO  
** Put up your sword. If this young gentleman  
Have done offence, I take the fault on me:  
If you offend him, I for him defy you.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** You, sir! why, what are you?

**ANTONIO  
** One, sir, that for his love dares yet do more  
Than you have heard him brag to you he will.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Nay, if you be an undertaker, I am for you.

_ They draw _

_ Enter Officers _

**FABIAN  
** O good Sir Toby, hold! here come the officers.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** I'll be with you anon.

**VIOLA  
** Pray, sir, put your sword up, if you please.

**SIR ANDREW  
** Marry, will I, sir; and, for that I promised you,  
I'll be as good as my word: he will bear you easily  
and reins well.

**First Officer  
** This is the man; do thy office.

**Second Officer  
** Antonio, I arrest thee at the suit of Count Orsino.

**ANTONIO  
** You do mistake me, sir.

**First Officer  
** No, sir, no jot; I know your favour well,  
Though now you have no sea-cap on your head.  
Take him away: he knows I know him well.

**ANTONIO  
** I must obey.  
_ To VIOLA  
_ This comes with seeking you:  
But there's no remedy; I shall answer it.  
What will you do, now my necessity  
Makes me to ask you for my purse? It grieves me  
Much more for what I cannot do for you  
Than what befalls myself. You stand amazed;  
But be of comfort.

**Second Officer  
** Come, sir, away.

**ANTONIO  
** I must entreat of you some of that money.

**VIOLA  
** What money, sir?  
For the fair kindness you have show'd me here,  
And, part, being prompted by your present trouble,  
Out of my lean and low ability  
I'll lend you something: my having is not much;  
I'll make division of my present with you:  
Hold, there's half my coffer.

**ANTONIO  
** Will you deny me now?  
Is't possible that my deserts to you  
Can lack persuasion? Do not tempt my misery,  
Lest that it make me so unsound a man  
As to upbraid you with those kindnesses  
That I have done for you.

**VIOLA  
** I know of none;  
Nor know I you by voice or any feature:  
I hate ingratitude more in a man  
Than lying, vainness, babbling, drunkenness,  
Or any taint of vice whose strong corruption  
Inhabits our frail blood.

**ANTONIO  
** O heavens themselves!

**Second Officer  
** Come, sir, I pray you, go.

**ANTONIO  
** Let me speak a little. This youth that you see here  
I snatch'd one half out of the jaws of death,  
Relieved him with such sanctity of love,  
And to his image, which methought did promise  
Most venerable worth, did I devotion.

**First Officer  
** What's that to us? The time goes by: away!

**ANTONIO  
** But O how vile an idol proves this god  
Thou hast, Sebastian, done good feature shame.  
In nature there's no blemish but the mind;  
None can be call'd deform'd but the unkind:  
Virtue is beauty, but the beauteous evil  
Are empty trunks o'erflourish'd by the devil.

**First Officer  
** The man grows mad: away with him! Come, come, sir.

**ANTONIO  
** Lead me on.

_ Exit with Officers _

**VIOLA  
** Methinks his words do from such passion fly,  
That he believes himself: so do not I.  
Prove true, imagination, O, prove true,  
That I, dear brother, be now ta'en for you!

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Come hither, knight; come hither, Fabian: we'll  
whisper o'er a couplet or two of most sage saws.

**VIOLA  
** He named Sebastian: I my brother know  
Yet living in my glass; even such and so  
In favour was my brother, and he went  
Still in this fashion, colour, ornament,  
For him I imitate: O, if it prove,  
Tempests are kind and salt waves fresh in love.

_ Exit _

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** A very dishonest paltry boy, and more a coward than  
a hare: his dishonesty appears in leaving his  
friend here in necessity and denying him; and for  
his cowardship, ask Fabian.

**FABIAN  
** A coward, a most devout coward, religious in it.

**SIR ANDREW  
** 'Slid, I'll after him again and beat him.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Do; cuff him soundly, but never draw thy sword.

**SIR ANDREW  
** An I do not,--

**FABIAN  
** Come, let's see the event.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** I dare lay any money 'twill be nothing yet.

_ Exeunt _


	15. Act IV Scene I

###  **SCENE I. Before OLIVIA's house.**

_ Enter SEBASTIAN and Clown _

**Clown  
** Will you make me believe that I am not sent for you?

**SEBASTIAN  
** Go to, go to, thou art a foolish fellow:  
Let me be clear of thee.

**Clown  
** Well held out, i' faith! No, I do not know you; nor  
I am not sent to you by my lady, to bid you come  
speak with her; nor your name is not Master Cesario;  
nor this is not my nose neither. Nothing that is so is so.

**SEBASTIAN  
** I prithee, vent thy folly somewhere else: Thou  
know'st not me.

**Clown  
** Vent my folly! he has heard that word of some  
great man and now applies it to a fool. Vent my  
folly! I am afraid this great lubber, the world,  
will prove a cockney. I prithee now, ungird thy  
strangeness and tell me what I shall vent to my  
lady: shall I vent to her that thou art coming?

**SEBASTIAN  
** I prithee, foolish Greek, depart from me: There's  
money for thee: if you tarry longer, I shall give  
worse payment.

**Clown  
** By my troth, thou hast an open hand. These wise men  
that give fools money get themselves a good  
report--after fourteen years' purchase.

_ Enter SIR ANDREW, SIR TOBY BELCH, and FABIAN _

**SIR ANDREW  
** Now, sir, have I met you again? there's for you.

**SEBASTIAN  
** Why, there's for thee, and there, and there. Are all  
the people mad?

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Hold, sir, or I'll throw your dagger o'er the house.

**Clown  
** This will I tell my lady straight: I would not be  
in some of your coats for two pence.

_ Exit _

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Come on, sir; hold.

**SIR ANDREW  
** Nay, let him alone: I'll go another way to work  
with him; I'll have an action of battery against  
him, if there be any law in Illyria: though I  
struck him first, yet it's no matter for that.

**SEBASTIAN  
** Let go thy hand.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Come, sir, I will not let you go. Come, my young  
soldier, put up your iron: you are well fleshed; come on.

**SEBASTIAN  
** I will be free from thee. What wouldst thou now? If  
thou darest tempt me further, draw thy sword.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** What, what? Nay, then I must have an ounce or two  
of this malapert blood from you.

_ Enter OLIVIA _

**OLIVIA  
** Hold, Toby; on thy life I charge thee, hold!

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Madam!

**OLIVIA  
** Will it be ever thus? Ungracious wretch,  
Fit for the mountains and the barbarous caves,  
Where manners ne'er were preach'd! out of my sight!  
Be not offended, dear Cesario.  
Rudesby, be gone!  
__ Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW, and FABIAN  
I prithee, gentle friend,  
Let thy fair wisdom, not thy passion, sway  
In this uncivil and thou unjust extent  
Against thy peace. Go with me to my house,  
And hear thou there how many fruitless pranks  
This ruffian hath botch'd up, that thou thereby  
Mayst smile at this: thou shalt not choose but go:  
Do not deny. Beshrew his soul for me,  
He started one poor heart of mine in thee.

**SEBASTIAN  
** What relish is in this? how runs the stream?  
Or I am mad, or else this is a dream:  
Let horror still my sense in Lethe steep;  
Dreaming, farewell; awake me from this sleep!

**OLIVIA  
** Nay, come, I prithee; would thou'ldst be ruled by me!

**SEBASTIAN  
** Madam, your word is law in this land, but  
As I am Sebastian, I am ruled by  
Another, whose face is fair and hair bright.  
I hold his purse in my hand and in his,  
he holds my heart.

**OLIVIA  
** Sebastian is your name?  
What meanest thou, that you call yourself so?  
Sebastian, you say, not Cesario?   
Come, we’ll away and you to explain the  
Mystery of your two appearances.

_Exeunt_


	16. Act IV Scene II

###  **SCENE II. OLIVIA's house.**

_ Enter MARIA and Clown _

**MARIA  
** Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard;  
make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate: do  
it quickly; I'll call Sir Toby the whilst.

_ Exit _

**Clown  
** Well, I'll put it on, and I will dissemble myself  
in't; and I would I were the first that ever  
dissembled in such a gown. I am not tall enough to  
become the function well, nor lean enough to be  
thought a good student; but to be said an honest man  
and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a  
careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter.

_ Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA _

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Jove bless thee, master Parson.

**Clown  
** Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for, as the old hermit of  
Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily  
said to a niece of King Gorboduc, 'That that is is;'  
so I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson; for,  
what is 'that' but 'that,' and 'is' but 'is'?

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** To him, Sir Topas.

**Clown  
** What, ho, I say! peace in this prison!

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** The knave counterfeits well; a good knave.

**MALVOLIO  
** [Within] Who calls there?

**Clown  
** Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio  
the lunatic.

**MALVOLIO  
** Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.

**Clown  
** Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this man!  
talkest thou nothing but of ladies?

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Well said, Master Parson.

**MALVOLIO  
** Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged: good Sir  
Topas, do not think I am mad: they have laid me  
here in hideous darkness.

**Clown  
** Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most  
modest terms; for I am one of those gentle ones  
that will use the devil himself with courtesy:  
sayest thou that house is dark?

**MALVOLIO  
** As hell, Sir Topas.

**Clown  
** Why it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes,  
and the clearstores toward the south north are as  
lustrous as ebony; and yet complainest thou of  
obstruction?

**MALVOLIO  
** I am not mad, Sir Topas: I say to you, this house is dark.

**Clown  
** Madman, thou errest: I say, there is no darkness  
but ignorance; in which thou art more puzzled than  
the Egyptians in their fog.

**MALVOLIO  
** I say, this house is as dark as ignorance, though  
ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say, there  
was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you  
are: make the trial of it in any constant question.

**Clown  
** What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild fowl?

**MALVOLIO  
** That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird.

**Clown  
** What thinkest thou of his opinion?

**MALVOLIO  
** I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.

**Clown  
** Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness:  
thou shalt hold the opinion of Pythagoras ere I will  
allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock, lest  
thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well.

**MALVOLIO  
** Sir Topas, Sir Topas!

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** My most exquisite Sir Topas!

**Clown  
** Nay, I am for all waters.

**MARIA  
** Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and  
gown: he sees thee not.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how  
thou findest him: I would we were well rid of this  
knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I  
would he were, for I am now so far in offence with  
my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this  
sport to the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber.

_ Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA _

**Clown  
** [Singing]  
'Hey, Robin, jolly Robin,  
Tell me how thy lady does.'

**MALVOLIO  
** Fool!  


**Clown  
** 'My lady is unkind, perdy.'

**MALVOLIO  
** Fool!

**Clown  
** 'Alas, why is she so?'

**MALVOLIO  
** Fool, I say!

**Clown  
** 'She loves another'--Who calls, ha?

**MALVOLIO  
** Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my  
hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink and paper:  
as I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to  
thee for't.

**Clown  
** Master Malvolio?

**MALVOLIO  
** Ay, good fool.

**Clown  
** Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?

**MALVOLIO  
** Fool, there was never a man so notoriously abused: I  
am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art.

**Clown  
** But as well? then you are mad indeed, if you be no  
better in your wits than a fool.

**MALVOLIO  
** They have here propertied me; keep me in darkness,  
send ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to  
face me out of my wits.

**Clown  
** Advise you what you say; the minister is here.  
Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore!  
endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain  
bibble babble.

**MALVOLIO  
** Sir Topas!

**Clown  
** Maintain no words with him, good fellow. Who, I,  
sir? not I, sir. God be wi' you, good Sir Topas.  
Merry, amen. I will, sir, I will.

**MALVOLIO  
** Fool, fool, fool, I say!

**Clown  
** Alas, sir, be patient. What say you sir? I am  
shent for speaking to you.

**MALVOLIO  
** Good fool, help me to some light and some paper: I  
tell thee, I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.

**Clown  
** Well-a-day that you were, sir

**MALVOLIO  
** By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper and  
light; and convey what I will set down to my lady:  
it shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing  
of letter did.

**Clown  
** I will help you to't. But tell me true, are you  
not mad indeed? or do you but counterfeit?

**MALVOLIO  
** Believe me, I am not; I tell thee true.

**Clown  
** Nay, I'll ne'er believe a madman till I see his  
brains. I will fetch you light and paper and ink.

**MALVOLIO  
** Fool, I'll requite it in the highest degree: I  
prithee, be gone.

**Clown  
** [Singing]  
I am gone, sir,  
And anon, sir,  
I'll be with you again,  
In a trice,  
Like to the old Vice,  
Your need to sustain;  
Who, with dagger of lath,  
In his rage and his wrath,  
Cries, ah, ha! to the devil:  
Like a mad lad,  
Pare thy nails, dad;  
Adieu, good man devil.

_ Exit _


	17. Act V Scene I

###  **SCENE I. Before OLIVIA's house.**

_ Enter Clown and FABIAN _

**FABIAN  
** Now, as thou lovest me, let me see his letter.

**Clown  
** Good Master Fabian, grant me another request.

**FABIAN  
** Any thing.

**Clown  
** Do not desire to see this letter.

**FABIAN  
** This is, to give a dog, and in recompense desire my  
dog again.

_ Enter DUKE ORSINO, VIOLA, CURIO, and Lords _

**DUKE ORSINO  
** Belong you to the Lady Olivia, friends?

**Clown  
** Ay, sir; we are some of her trappings.

**DUKE ORSINO  
** I know thee well; how dost thou, my good fellow?

**Clown  
** Truly, sir, the better for my foes and the worse  
for my friends.

**DUKE ORSINO  
** Just the contrary; the better for thy friends.

**Clown  
** No, sir, the worse.

**DUKE ORSINO  
** How can that be?

**Clown  
** Marry, sir, they praise me and make an ass of me;  
now my foes tell me plainly I am an ass: so that by  
my foes, sir I profit in the knowledge of myself,  
and by my friends, I am abused: so that,  
conclusions to be as kisses, if your four negatives  
make your two affirmatives why then, the worse for  
my friends and the better for my foes.

**DUKE ORSINO  
** Why, this is excellent.

**Clown  
** By my troth, sir, no; though it please you to be  
one of my friends.

**DUKE ORSINO  
** Thou shalt not be the worse for me: there's gold.

**Clown  
** But that it would be double-dealing, sir, I would  
you could make it another.

**DUKE ORSINO  
** O, you give me ill counsel.

**Clown  
** Put your grace in your pocket, sir, for this once,  
and let your flesh and blood obey it.

**DUKE ORSINO  
** Well, I will be so much a sinner, to be a  
double-dealer: there's another.

**Clown  
** Primo, secundo, tertio, is a good play; and the old  
saying is, the third pays for all: the triplex,  
sir, is a good tripping measure; or the bells of  
Saint Bennet, sir, may put you in mind; one, two, three.

**DUKE ORSINO  
** You can fool no more money out of me at this throw:  
if you will let your lady know I am here to speak  
with her, and bring her along with you, it may awake  
my bounty further.

**Clown  
** Marry, sir, lullaby to your bounty till I come  
again. I go, sir; but I would not have you to think  
that my desire of having is the sin of covetousness:  
but, as you say, sir, let your bounty take a nap, I  
will awake it anon.

_ Exit _

**VIOLA  
** Here comes the man, sir, that did rescue me.

_ Enter ANTONIO and Officers _

**DUKE ORSINO  
** That face of his I do remember well;  
Yet, when I saw it last, it was besmear'd  
As black as Vulcan in the smoke of war:  
A bawbling vessel was he captain of,  
For shallow draught and bulk unprizable;  
With which such scathful grapple did he make  
With the most noble bottom of our fleet,  
That very envy and the tongue of loss  
Cried fame and honour on him. What's the matter?

**First Officer  
** Orsino, this is that Antonio  
That took the Phoenix and her fraught from Candy;  
And this is he that did the Tiger board,  
When your young nephew Titus lost his leg:  
Here in the streets, desperate of shame and state,  
In private brabble did we apprehend him.

**VIOLA  
** He did me kindness, sir, drew on my side;  
But in conclusion put strange speech upon me:  
I know not what 'twas but distraction.

**DUKE ORSINO  
** Notable pirate! thou salt-water thief!  
What foolish boldness brought thee to their mercies,  
Whom thou, in terms so bloody and so dear,  
Hast made thine enemies?

**ANTONIO  
** Orsino, noble sir,  
Be pleased that I shake off these names you give me:  
Antonio never yet was thief or pirate,  
Though I confess, on base and ground enough,  
Orsino's enemy. A witchcraft drew me hither:  
That most ingrateful boy there by your side,  
From the rude sea's enraged and foamy mouth  
Did I redeem; a wreck past hope he was:  
His life I gave him and did thereto add  
My love, without retention or restraint,  
All his in dedication; for his sake  
Did I expose myself, pure for his love,  
Into the danger of this adverse town;  
Drew to defend him when he was beset:  
Where being apprehended, his false cunning,  
Not meaning to partake with me in danger,  
Taught him to face me out of his acquaintance,  
And grew a twenty years removed thing  
While one would wink; denied me mine own purse,  
Which I had recommended to his use  
Not half an hour before.

**VIOLA  
** How can this be?

**DUKE ORSINO  
** When came he to this town?

**ANTONIO  
** To-day, my lord; and for three months before,  
No interim, not a minute's vacancy,  
Both day and night did we keep company.

_ Enter OLIVIA and Attendants _

**DUKE ORSINO  
** Here comes the countess: now heaven walks on earth.  
But for thee, fellow; fellow, thy words are madness:  
Three months this youth hath tended upon me;  
But more of that anon. Take him aside.

**OLIVIA  
** What would my lord, but that he may not have,  
Wherein Olivia may seem serviceable?  
Cesario, you do not keep your truth with me.

**VIOLA  
** Madam!

**DUKE ORSINO  
** Gracious Olivia,--

**OLIVIA  
** What do you say, Cesario? Good my lord,--

**VIOLA  
** My lord would speak; my duty hushes me.

**OLIVIA  
** If it be aught to the old tune, my lord,  
It is as fat and fulsome to mine ear  
As howling after music.

**DUKE ORSINO  
** Still so cruel?

**OLIVIA  
** Still so constant, lord.

**DUKE ORSINO  
** What, to perverseness? you uncivil lady,  
To whose ingrate and unauspicious altars  
My soul the faithfull'st offerings hath breathed out  
That e'er devotion tender'd! What shall I do?

**OLIVIA  
** Even what it please my lord, that shall become him.

**DUKE ORSINO  
** Why should I not, had I the heart to do it,  
Like to the Egyptian thief at point of death,  
Kill what I love?--a savage jealousy  
That sometimes savours nobly. But hear me this:  
Since you to non-regardance cast my faith,  
And that I partly know the instrument  
That screws me from my true place in your favour,  
Live you the marble-breasted tyrant still;  
But this your minion, whom I know you love,  
And whom, by heaven I swear, I tender dearly,  
Him will I tear out of that cruel eye,  
Where he sits crowned in his master's spite.  
Come, boy, with me; my thoughts are ripe in mischief:  
I'll sacrifice the lamb that I do love,  
To spite a raven's heart within a dove.

**VIOLA** _ (to Olivia)  
_ And I, most jocund, apt and willingly,  
To do you rest, a thousand deaths would die.

**OLIVIA  
** Where goes Cesario?

**VIOLA  
** After him I must.  
Duty above love, and so I follow  
Duty and leave love behind for sorrow.  
If I do feign, you witnesses above  
Punish my life for lying to my love!

**OLIVIA  
** Ay me, deceived! how I am beguiled!

**VIOLA  
** Who does beguile you? who does do you wrong?

**OLIVIA  
** Hast thou forgot thyself? is it so long?  
Call forth the erring brother!

**DUKE ORSINO  
** Come, away!

**OLIVIA  
** Whither, my lord? Cesario, my love, stay.

**DUKE ORSINO  
** Your love!

**OLIVIA  
** Ay, indeed: can he that deny?

**DUKE ORSINO  
** Her lover, sirrah!

**VIOLA  
** No, my lord, not I.

**OLIVIA  
** Alas, it is the coldness of thy fear  
That makes thee strangle thy truthful nature:  
Fear not, Cesario; take thy fortunes up;  
Be that thou know'st thou art, and then thou art  
As great as that thou fear'st.

**DUKE ORSINO  
** O thou dissembling cub! what wilt thou be  
When time hath sow'd a grizzle on thy case?  
Or will not else thy craft so quickly grow,  
That thine own trip shall be thine overthrow?  
Farewell, and take her; but direct thy feet  
Where thou and I henceforth may never meet.

**VIOLA  
** My lord, I do protest--

**OLIVIA  
** O, do not swear!  
Hold little faith, though thou hast too much fear.

_ Enter SIR ANDREW _

**SIR ANDREW  
** For the love of God, a surgeon! Send one presently  
to Sir Toby.

**OLIVIA  
** What's the matter?

**SIR ANDREW  
** He has broke my head across and has given Sir Toby  
a bloody coxcomb too: for the love of God, your  
help! I had rather than forty pound I were at home.

**OLIVIA  
** Who has done this, Sir Andrew?

**SIR ANDREW  
** The count's gentleman, one Cesario: we took him for  
a coward, but he's the very devil incardinate.

**DUKE ORSINO  
** My gentleman, Cesario?

**SIR ANDREW  
** 'Od's lifelings, here he is! You broke my head for  
nothing; and that that I did, I was set on to do't  
by Sir Toby.

**VIOLA  
** Why do you speak to me? I never hurt you:  
You drew your sword upon me without cause;  
But I bespoke you fair, and hurt you not.

**SIR ANDREW  
** If a bloody coxcomb be a hurt, you have hurt me: I  
think you set nothing by a bloody coxcomb.  
_ Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and Clown  
_ Here comes Sir Toby halting; you shall hear more:  
but if he had not been in drink, he would have  
tickled you othergates than he did.

**DUKE ORSINO  
** How now, gentleman! how is't with you?

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** That's all one: has hurt me, and there's the end  
on't. Sot, didst see Dick surgeon, sot?

**Clown  
** O, he's drunk, Sir Toby, an hour agone; his eyes  
were set at eight i' the morning.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Then he's a rogue, and a passy measures panyn: I  
hate a drunken rogue.

**OLIVIA  
** Away with him! Who hath made this havoc with them?

**SIR ANDREW  
** I'll help you, Sir Toby, because well be dressed together.

**SIR TOBY BELCH  
** Will you help? an ass-head and a coxcomb and a  
knave, a thin-faced knave, a gull!

**OLIVIA  
** Get him to bed, and let his hurt be look'd to.

_ Exeunt Clown, FABIAN, SIR TOBY BELCH, and SIR ANDREW _

_ Enter SEBASTIAN _

**SEBASTIAN  
** I am sorry, madam, I have hurt your kinsman:  
But, had it been the brother of my blood,  
I must have done no less with wit and safety.  
You throw a strange regard upon me, and by that  
I do perceive it hath offended you.

**DUKE ORSINO  
** One face, one voice, one habit, and two persons,  
A natural perspective, that is and is not!

**SEBASTIAN  
** Antonio, O my dear Antonio!  
How have the hours rack'd and tortured me,  
Since I have lost thee!

**ANTONIO  
** Sebastian are you?

**SEBASTIAN  
** Fear'st thou that, Antonio?

**ANTONIO  
** How have you made division of yourself?  
An apple, cleft in two, is not more twin  
Than these two creatures. Which is Sebastian?

**OLIVIA  
** Most wonderful!

**SEBASTIAN  
** Do I stand there? I never had a brother;  
Nor can there be that deity in my nature,  
Of here and every where. I had a sister,  
Whom the blind waves and surges have devour'd.  
Of charity, what kin are you to me?  
What countryman? what name? what parentage?

**VIOLA  
** Of Messaline: Sebastian was my father;  
Such a Sebastian was my brother too,  
So went he suited to his watery tomb:  
If spirits can assume both form and suit  
You come to fright us.

**SEBASTIAN  
** A spirit I am indeed;  
But am in that dimension grossly clad  
Which from the womb I did participate.  
Were you a woman, as the rest goes even,  
I should my tears let fall upon your cheek,  
And say 'Thrice-welcome, drowned Viola!'

**VIOLA  
** My father had a mole upon his brow.

**SEBASTIAN  
** And so had mine.

**VIOLA  
** And died that day when Viola from her birth  
Had number'd thirteen years.

**SEBASTIAN  
** O, that record is lively in my soul!  
He finished indeed his mortal act  
That day that made my sister thirteen years.

**VIOLA  
** If nothing lets to make us happy both  
But this my masculine usurp'd attire,  
Do not embrace me till each circumstance  
Of place, time, fortune, do cohere and jump  
That I am Viola: which to confirm,  
I'll bring you to a captain in this town,  
Where lie my maiden weeds; by whose gentle help  
I was preserved to serve this noble count.  
All the occurrence of my fortune since  
Hath been between this lady and this lord.

**SEBASTIAN  
** [To OLIVIA] So comes it, lady, your explanation:  
You told me your love for Cesario  
the man, but will such love remain true for  
Viola the maid?  What will thou sayest?

**DUKE ORSINO  
** Be not amazed; right noble is his blood.  
If this be so, as yet the glass seems true,  
I shall have share in this most happy wreck.  
_ To VIOLA  
_ Boy, thou did confide to me of a maid  
Who loved women and thus feared their censure.  
Tell me true; behind lies, that maid was you.

**VIOLA  
** And all those sayings will I overswear;  
And those swearings keep as true in soul  
As doth that orbed continent the fire  
That severs day from night.

**OLIVIA  
** Give me thy hand,  
I am joyous beyond any words that you,  
Viola, woman and light of my life,  
Do love me. You may have heard that I scorned  
The pursuit of any man: that is true.  
Never had I loved a man before you,  
As Cesario, had entered my sight.  
But you were so fair, and so feminine,  
I accepted your manhood and loved you.  
And I am glad I did! For here you are,  
Beautiful and true and in love with me.  
I protest, Viola, that I love you.  
Tell me, once more, that you do so for me.

**VIOLA  
** Never would I have thought that this was truth.  
I had braced myself for marriage to man  
And life without reciprocated love.  
Olivia, my heart weeps for your confession.  
I love you with the whole of my poor heart.  
_ (A/N: LESBIAN KISS ON STAGE YEAH.  Or even better, a not sexualized representation of their love.  
_ _ Representations of lesbians in the media are always better if they aren’t sexualized for the male gaze.) _

**SEBASTIAN** _ (to Antonio)  
_ In your bravery I do find my heart,  
And with my heart I must confess to thee  
That which we have avoided for these long  
three months. Antonio, please accept my love.

**ANTONIO  
** I have told you of my love time and again  
My purse was but a proxy for my heart.  
Sebastian, love, let these three months be  
But a taste of a long lifetime to come.  
_ (A/N: more gay kisses!) _

**OLIVIA  
** Dear heart, though men’s garments do you suit,  
Where are the woman’s clothes with which you came?

**VIOLA  
** The captain that did bring me first on shore  
Hath my maid's garments: he upon some action  
Is now in durance, at Malvolio's suit,  
A gentleman, and follower of my lady's.

**OLIVIA  
** He shall enlarge him: fetch Malvolio hither:  
And yet, alas, now I remember me,  
They say, poor gentleman, he's much distract.  
_ Re-enter Clown with a letter, and FABIAN  
_ A most extracting frenzy of mine own  
From my remembrance clearly banish'd his.  
How does he, sirrah?

**Clown  
** Truly, madam, he holds Belzebub at the staves's end as  
well as a man in his case may do: has here writ a  
letter to you; I should have given't you to-day  
morning, but as a madman's epistles are no gospels,  
so it skills not much when they are delivered.

**OLIVIA  
** Open't, and read it.

**Clown  
** Look then to be well edified when the fool delivers  
the madman.  
_ Reads  
_ 'By the Lord, madam,'--

**OLIVIA  
** How now! art thou mad?

**Clown  
** No, madam, I do but read madness: an your ladyship  
will have it as it ought to be, you must allow Vox.

**OLIVIA  
** Prithee, read i' thy right wits.

**Clown  
** So I do, madonna; but to read his right wits is to  
read thus: therefore perpend, my princess, and give ear.

**OLIVIA  
** Read it you, sirrah.  _ To FABIAN _

**FABIAN  
** [Reads] 'By the Lord, madam, you wrong me, and the  
world shall know it: though you have put me into  
darkness and given your drunken cousin rule over  
me, yet have I the benefit of my senses as well as  
your ladyship. I have your own letter that induced  
me to the semblance I put on; with the which I doubt  
not but to do myself much right, or you much shame.  
Think of me as you please. I leave my duty a little  
unthought of and speak out of my injury.  
THE MADLY-USED MALVOLIO.'

**OLIVIA  
** Did he write this?

**Clown  
** Ay, madam.

**DUKE ORSINO  
** This savours not much of distraction.

**OLIVIA  
** See him deliver'd, Fabian; bring him hither.  
_ Exit FABIAN  
_ _ To VIOLA  
_ Your master has quit you; and for your service done him,  
So much against the mettle of your heart,  
So far beneath your soft and tender breeding,  
And since you call'd me love for so long,  
Here is my hand: you shall from this time be  
Your lady's mistress.

_ Re-enter FABIAN, with MALVOLIO _

**DUKE ORSINO  
** Is this the madman?

**OLIVIA  
** Ay, my lord, this same.  
How now, Malvolio!

**MALVOLIO  
** Madam, you have done me wrong,  
Notorious wrong.

**OLIVIA  
** Have I, Malvolio? no.

**MALVOLIO  
** Lady, you have. Pray you, peruse that letter.  
You must not now deny it is your hand:  
Write from it, if you can, in hand or phrase;  
Or say 'tis not your seal, nor your invention:  
You can say none of this: well, grant it then  
And tell me, in the modesty of honour,  
Why you have given me such clear lights of favour,  
Bade me come smiling and cross-garter'd to you,  
To put on yellow stockings and to frown  
Upon Sir Toby and the lighter people;  
And, acting this in an obedient hope,  
Why have you suffer'd me to be imprison'd,  
Kept in a dark house, visited by the priest,  
And made the most notorious geck and gull  
That e'er invention play'd on? tell me why.

**OLIVIA  
** Alas, Malvolio, this is not my writing,  
Though, I confess, much like the character  
But out of question 'tis Maria's hand.  
And now I do bethink me, it was she  
First told me thou wast mad; then camest in smiling,  
And in such forms which here were presupposed  
Upon thee in the letter. Prithee, be content:  
This practise hath most shrewdly pass'd upon thee;  
But when we know the grounds and authors of it,  
Thou shalt be both the plaintiff and the judge  
Of thine own cause.

**FABIAN  
** Good madam, hear me speak,  
And let no quarrel nor no brawl to come  
Taint the condition of this present hour,  
Which I have wonder'd at. In hope it shall not,  
Most freely I confess, myself and Toby  
Set this device against Malvolio here,  
Upon some stubborn and uncourteous parts  
We had conceived against him: Maria writ  
The letter at Sir Toby's great importance;  
In recompense whereof he hath married her.  
How with a sportful malice it was follow'd,  
May rather pluck on laughter than revenge;  
If that the injuries be justly weigh'd  
That have on both sides pass'd.

**OLIVIA  
** Alas, poor fool, how have they baffled thee!

**Clown  
** Why, 'some are born great, some achieve greatness,  
and some have greatness thrown upon them.' I was  
one, sir, in this interlude; one Sir Topas, sir; but  
that's all one. 'By the Lord, fool, I am not mad.'  
But do you remember? 'Madam, why laugh you at such  
a barren rascal? an you smile not, he's gagged:'  
and thus the whirligig of time brings in his revenges.

**MALVOLIO  
** I'll be revenged on the whole pack of you.

_ Exit _

**OLIVIA  
** He hath been most notoriously abused.  
_ [To Fabian]  
_ Pursue him and entreat him to a peace:  
He hath not told us of the captain yet:  
When that is known and golden time convents,  
A solemn combination shall be made  
Of our dear souls. Meantime, sweet lover,  
We will not part from hence. Sebastian  
And Antonio, come; together we  
Will seek a priest who will support our loves.  
And, Duke, may your own life be bright and gay.

_ Exeunt all, except Clown _

**Clown  
** [Sings]  
When that I was and a little tiny boy,  
With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,  
A foolish thing was but a toy,  
For the rain it raineth every day.  
But when I came to man's estate,  
With hey, ho, & c.  
'Gainst knaves and thieves men shut their gate,  
For the rain, & c.  
But when I came, alas! to wive,  
With hey, ho, & c.  
By swaggering could I never thrive,}  
For the rain, & c.  
But when I came unto my beds,  
With hey, ho, & c.  
With toss-pots still had drunken heads,  
For the rain, & c.  
A great while ago the world begun,  
With hey, ho, & c.  
But that's all one, our play is done,  
And we'll strive to please you every day.

_ Exit _


End file.
